Science!
Scientists say the universe is expanding. But, they also said I couldn’t fit 34 full-size marshmallows in my mouth, so that shows how much they know.
I once heard a scientist say he liked the movie Boondock Saints. These are the people we’re entrusting with our precious science? Boondock Saints? Unless you wear a trench coat to shop class, there is no reason to think that is a good movie. What else do you believe—evolution? Grow up, scientists.
Somebody should be checking the credentials of these so-called “scientists.” Sure, they might have gotten doctorate degrees from prestigious institutions, but have they ever taken Dead Man’s Curve on their Razor scooter? Until you have done that, you have no idea how the universe works. Believe me.
And, these scientist guys are always the same people debunking all the best conspiracy theories. A bunch of wet blankets if you ask me. Maybe if scientists spent less time cooped up in a lab, they’d be more open to a bigger world filled with new ideas about the mind-controlling properties of fluoride.
You know who’s interesting? People who take science and add their own spin to it. Like Scientologists or Christian Scientists. Because, at least they're having a little fun with it. That’s why I’m starting my own scientific body, and any scientific facts we don’t like we’ll just change to suit our worldview. We’re calling ourselves the Texas School Board.
[Author's note: Boom! Look who got political at the end there! Yeah, I said it. What? You got a problem with me getting political? Well, get used to it, because this guy is take-no-prisoners. I am a satirist. You know what that means? That means I take no prisoners. I am like a surgeon with a scalpel. I, uh … I say … things people are too afraid to hear. I am the nation’s conscience. Look out, people who disagree with me, because I will take you down with some scathing passive-aggression. I don’t give a fuck.]
Leave a comment