This Pigeon
Oh geez! Why didn’t somebody tell me I had a live pigeon tangled in my hair? Gross! How long has it been in there? All lunch? Are you guys serious?!
I can’t believe you let me sit here with a pigeon stuck in my hair this whole time. I’ve been totally wondering what that flapping and clawing sensation was. I just assumed I was under the AC vent. Has a pigeon seriously been in my hair this entire meal?
When did you first see it? Was it there when I got to the restaurant? Shit, it was? Ugh, that’s so embarrassing. I’ve probably had this thing trapped in my hair since I walked through a flock of them earlier.
Oh my god! I just realized—my job interview this morning! No wonder that guy was looking at me so weird. I thought I’d messed something up on my resumé. No, it was that he was watching an adult pigeon struggling to free itself from my scalp. That must be why he told me “good luck out there.” He meant with the pigeon.
Dammit, and I was flirting with that girl on the bus. Like she’d even be interested in a guy with a garbage-eating bird stuck in his hair. Not likely. I bet the phone number she gave me isn’t even real.
Can someone please help me get this pigeon out? Which side is it on? I wish this place had a mirror.
There, did I get it? No? Shit, you’ve gotta be kidding me. How ‘bout now? Still there? Dammit.
What gets live pigeon out of your hair? Peanut butter, maybe? No, that’s for gum. Never mind, I’ll just go home and shower. Maybe that’ll loosen things up, and it’ll fly away on its own.
Thanks a lot. You guys have been a real big help. I’m being sarcastic, in case you didn’t notice. See if I tell you next time you have a pigeon or an owl or something tangled up in your hair.
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