Christmas Songs
I’ve decided to write some Christmas songs. It’s not because I’m like super bananas over Christmas. I’m more of a Halloween guy. Red makes me look puffy.
However, writing a Christmas song is like printing your own money. Except, the Secret Service doesn’t crawl up your asshole for writing a Christmas song. (Listen, Secret Service, I have no idea why those $50 bills had pictures of Martin Van Buren on them. Leave me alone, already!) So, I decided to try my hand at songwriting.
I thought it’d be easy. It turns out most of the important rhymes have been taken. And, I guess my nightmare about my mother having a sexual affair with Santa Claus has already been covered successfully.
Anyway, here’s a list of songs I’ve come up with. Do not steal them:
The Christmas/Hanukkah Get-Together with Light Appetizers
Sledding Elves are Sledding
Oh, Pinecones on the Door Wreath
The Tinseling Song
Holy Holy Holiness
It’s Weirdly Important That Mary Was a Virgin
Lights, Lights, Lights are Untangling
Jolliness: Put It in You
The Camel Who Believed in the Power of Christ’s Birth
The Littlest Angel’s Ukulele
Plum Day
Forsooth, Ye Swaddling Babe
The Jingle Jangle Bebop
Old Saint Nick is Breaking In
The “Looking for Scissors” Song
Stuff Those Stockings Mightily
and
Yule Log and Eggnog: Best Friends Forever
Those are the songs I’ve written this season. So far, I’ve only come up with the titles. But, I’m googling song structures, and I used to be pretty decent on the trombone. So, expect great things.
If any of you want to write any music or lyrics to these, that’s fine. Just post them in the comments section and sign off any rights or copyright over to me. You will not receive a reply, but who knows? Maybe one day you’ll hear the Muzak version of your (legally my) song in a department store.
Until then, Merry Pre-Holiday Season!
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