Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

My Senses

For a couple of months in 1989, I lost my sense of smell in a freak tongue-in-a-light-socket accident. It eventually came back, but during that time, the rest of my senses became heightened. And, not just the standard senses. I began to perceive extra-sensory sense perceptions.

Here's list of my current senses:

1st Sense: Sight

2nd Sense: Hearing

3rd Sense: Smell

4th Sense: Taste

5th Sense: Touch

6th Sense: Impending doom

7th Sense: I can sense whether or not I've eaten mayonnaise in the last 24 hours.

8th Sense: Superhuman Rhythm

9th Sense: Nipslips occurring within a one-mile radius

10th Sense: Magnetic North

11th Sense: Milk Age/Quality

12th Sense: I can feel other people’s embarrassment. Especially if they can’t. (I’m looking at you, Gwyneth.)

13th Sense: Fashion [snap]

14th Sense: Spidey Sense. (ie. I can sense if spiders are crawling into my mouth while I sleep.)

15th Sense: Bargains on Towels

16th Sense: The mass of people sitting next to me on busses

17th Sense: When Prince songs are about to play

18th Sense: I think my allergy to lavender counts as a sense, in that I can always tell if lavender is around, because my throat closes up.

19th Sense: UV-Light (By the way, your bedspread is filthy.)

So, yeah, those are my extra, extra-sensory senses.

I tried to get onto the freak show circuit with a few of them, but I burned too many bridges with my diva-like demands. I don’t understand how painting my Reese’s Pieces to look like M&Ms is too much to ask for.

Although, it might have been that I kept misidentifying my boss as “the bearded lady,” when she was in fact just “the lady.” Meh.