Do Not Push This Button!
In case of emergency, please do not press this button. This is not an emergency button. This button is only to be pushed in an ultra emergency. Like a super duper emergency emergency. That’s why it’s labeled “Ultra Super Emergency Emergency Button.”
In case of an ultra super emergency, please, still do not press this button. First, seek out an authority to determine if this is an actual ultra super emergency emergency. You do not have the training or instincts to differentiate between the two.
Don’t believe me? Let me ask you this: When was the last time you got an emergency haircut? Ah ha! See? Gotcha! There is no such thing. Clearly, if you think a haircut can be an emergency, you can’t be trusted to judge an ultra super emergency emergency. Leave that up to the professionals.
So, essentially, never press this button—this tempting, red, waiting-for-it button. Even though it’s obviously meant to be pressed at some point. Even though this ultra super emergency emergency button is just begging to be pressed by someone. Someone like you. Do not press this button.
Do you hear me? You are not to press this button. Period.
Unless, of course, it’s a mega big-time like crazy scary emergency emergency. Then, it’s imperative that you press this button. If that's the case, then you’re our only hope.
