Buying a Cowboy Hat
The first time you get fitted for a cowboy hat, Clem's gonna give you a hard time. Make you feel like a beetle caught under a mason jar. He does that to every first-timer. You've got two options:
1) You can give him the silent treatment right back. Clem is one of them stoic, craggly cowboys with a stare that'll peel the rust off a weather vane.
Some young bucks try to straighten their spine, loop a thumb in their belts, and glare right back. I'd advise against that.
The last guy who tried it ended up mid-air, flying across Main Street with a boot-shaped dent in his seat. Clem's not one for challenges.
2) Or, you could try what I did the first time Clem fitted me for a cowboy hat:
I pushed past his swinging screen door. Clem looked me up and down and sneered, "Highway's back the other way. I'd advise you get yer hat at the Banana Republic Outlet."
I stood my ground as he stepped out from behind the counter to show me the door. I did the only thing I knew--I gave him a big ol' bear hug.
Oh sure, he bucked. Tried to shake me loose for a minute or two. I just held tight and whispered, "Shh, it's okay. Just give in."
He reached for the bowie knife tucked behind his hip, but I caught his arm. "I know it hurts. My pa was a hard man, too. Distant." That's when Clem broke down and sobbed.
I ain't never seen a grown man blubber like that, but it was good for him. He'd led a hard cowboy's life, and he'd earned a long cry.
After a while, though, Clem started to hyperventilate. I tried rubbing his back to calm him down, but he was all worked up. I had to force some whiskey into him from the shelf in back before he finally settled.
We sat on the floorboards and had a long pow-wow about it being hard to cobble together a model of masculinity to follow. Then, we ordered some lo mein from Chen's Noodle Hut and watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica on the shop's laptop.
Finally, he sold me the hat you see right here.
So, them's your two options for dealing with Old Clem. It's worth it, though. Best-fitted hat I ever owned.
