Hangover Cure
Listen, I don't have a drinking problem. When I stop drinking, though, that's the problem. Ha cha cha chaaa. Am I right, folks?
Folks, am I right? ... Folks?
There are only two cures for a hangover like the one I'm feeling today. One is to invent a time machine, go back to Thursday, and not buy that first Ziploc bag full of rum. Despite what you might think, a bendy straw is no guarantee of quality alcohol.
The second, somewhat more practical cure is my grandfather’s sure-fire hangover-busting concoction, The Double Phoenix™. It is as follows:
1) Mix equal parts Gatorade and pickle juice in an empty cardboard milk container. I can’t give you and exact measurement for each, but when you jostle the container, it should make a dunk dunk sound, not a swish.
2) Add two shots of vodka that’s been passed through a Brita filter and blessed by a Greek Orthodox priest.
3) Allow to sit for 10 minutes. Take this time to shiver and throw up in the bathtub.
4) In a blender, mix the following separate from the pickle juice mixture:
- One glass of low acid, high pulp orange juice
- Eight strawberries with the seeds removed (may take time)
- Celery
- One banana so overripe that it smells a little like kitty litter
- Five shakes of the green Tobasco, like the kind they have at Chipotle. Do they sell that in grocery stores? I always just steal it.
5) Wow, there have been a lot of brand names so far. I swear, this isn’t product placement on the blog. My grandfather was simply very brand loyal.
6) Pour each separate mixture into two Bell jars and place the jars two inches apart on the table.
7) Place an old-timey clothes pin over your nose and take a moment to collect your thoughts.
8) While staring at an 8 x 10 photo of Charles in Charge-era Scott Baio, slam the pickle juice, Gatorader, blessed vodka mixture. Wince.
9) Now, drink the orange juice blend. It does not mix well with the pickle juice. If you can’t bring yourself to do this step, have a friend or wife bury you up to your neck in moist river sand. Then they’ll have to force the orange juice/ Tobasco down the back of your throat using a turkey baster.
10) Take a 14-hour nap.
11) Repeat until recovered.
So, that’s it. The first time, it seems like a lot of work for a simple hangover. But, after about a few weeks of everyday practice, you begin to enjoy it. Especially the river sand part, which can feel all squishy and cool up under your gooch. Very soothing.
Well, good luck and God speed.
