The Ultimate?
A quick note to email spammers:
How can every college fuck fest be the ultimate college fuck fest? The ultimate? Are you sure that’s the word you’re looking for? C'mon, spam email, they can't all be the ultimate college fuck fest.
Sure, one of them is indeed the ultimate college fuck fest. I admit it's out there somewhere. But, technically, the next one down the line would be the penultimate college fuck fest. You see? Penultimate means the thing just below ultimate. There’s only one ultimate college fuck fest. That’s why it’s called the ultimate one.
There’s an order to the world. You can’t just go around jumbling every fuck fest together into one single level of fuck fest.
It goes the ultimate college fuck fest, the penultimate college fuck fest, and so on and so on. Until, finally, you reach the least ultimate college fuck fest. That’s the one with the least collegiate, least festive fucking--a fuck fest that reaches just a bare minimum requirements to still be considered a college fuck fest. Let’s say, just for argument’s sake, it’s an absent-minded hand job at the Kansas City ITT Technical Institute.
Under your rubric, even this half-hearted HJ would count as the ultimate college fuck fest. Do you see how that demeans the quality and vigor of the actual ultimate college fuck fest? Those kids are working hard for that title. They deserve your respect. Don’t belittle their accomplishment.
I know, spammers, that you’ve got a job to do. I understand that it involves a certain amount of hyperbole. But, some sort of standard has to be kept.
If every college fuck fest becomes the ultimate college fuck fest, then no college fuck fest is the ultimate college fuck fest. Think about it.
Standard Follow-Up
If my move to the East Coast has taught me one thing, it is the importance of networking. The soul-crushing, all-consuming importance of networking. So, to make things a little easier, I’ve drafted a standardized follow-up email for the day after making a new connection. I’m including it here, in case you want you want to adapt it for yourself:
Dear ( blank ),
It was so nice meeting you last night at the ( event ). I really enjoyed talking with you about ( subject ), and it’s so funny that we both know ( mutual acquaintance ). Isn’t he/she a character? Please, do keep me posted on your ( project ), as I’d love to spread the word about ( project ).
Again, I’d like to apologize for my inappropriate joke. If I had known you were ( religion or ethnicity ), I would never have made light of ( diety or historical figure ). I hope you didn’t take offense.
Also, I’d like to apologize for vomiting on your ( shoes or purse ). I get nervous around new people. I guess it was a bad idea to mix tequila with the ( opiate ) I was taking because of my ( fake dental procedure ). If you would, please send me your dry cleaning bill.
Anyway, it was nice to meet you. If you see ( mutual acquaintance ) before I do, please give her/him my best. Sorry about my joke implying ( diety or historical figure ) had a stinky ( genital ).
See you soon,
Andy Ross
P.S. If you could, please follow my blog. I think you'd really like my post about ( random post that could use more hits ).
If my move to the East Coast has taught me one thing, it is the importance of networking. The soul-crushing, all-consuming importance of networking. So, to make things a little easier, I’ve drafted a standardized follow-up email for the day after making a new connection. I’m including it here, in case you want you want to adapt it for yourself:
Dear ( blank ),
It was so nice meeting you last night at the ( event ). I really enjoyed talking with you about ( subject ), and it’s so funny that we both know ( mutual acquaintance ). Isn’t he/she a character? Please, do keep me posted on your ( project ), as I’d love to spread the word about ( project ).
Again, I’d like to apologize for my inappropriate joke. If I had known you were ( religion or ethnicity ), I would never have made light of ( diety or historical figure ). I hope you didn’t take offense.
Also, I’d like to apologize for vomiting on your ( shoes or purse ). I get nervous around new people. I guess it was a bad idea to mix tequila with the ( opiate ) I was taking because of my ( fake dental procedure ). If you would, please send me your dry cleaning bill.
Anyway, it was nice to meet you. If you see ( mutual acquaintance ) before I do, please give her/him my best. Sorry about calling ( diety or historical figure ) a stinky ( genital ).
See you soon,
Andy Ross