Jack-O’-Lantern
It's official that on this day, November 29th, my jack-o'-lantern has reached its peak scariness.
I’d hoped it would have attained its peak scariness at Halloween. I mean that's what we all hope for right? But, I've often found that jack-o'-lanterns never become truly, frightfully scary until mid-to-late November. Sometimes even into early December. Definitely past the first frost.
Look at it there, sitting on the front stoop, looming over passers-by. Its eyes, once wide with terror, now drooped into a condescending scowl. Its teeth, so carefully carved to seem haphazardly crooked, now actually haphazardly crooked. Its cheeks, once plump and undefined, now sunken and gaunt. Only now is this jack-o'-lantern truly horrifying.
And, the color. When I first carved it, it was a bright orange. Now, it’s a kind of hazy gray/tangerine. Your eyes can never fully adjust to just what color they’re seeing. Is it matte? Is shiny? Parts of it seems translucent. Whatever it is, it feels unnatural. Or, is it too natural? Is this an unnerving glimpse into the viscera of nature, itself?
What do we see when we look into an early-winter jack-o’-lantern? Behind its unsymmetrical face, with its hints of Bell’s palsy. Behind the shadows of limp, stringy flesh dangling from its cavities. Behind the mold spread across its once-pristine surface. Do we see our own slow death? Is it simply the fear of decay?
Or, is it the fear of being forgotten—left past one’s usefulness on a porch or a concrete windowsill? Is it the dread of existing beyond our utility? What is there for us beyond our allotted time? Slow nothingness?
Whatever it is, it’s fucking scary. That is the scariest fucking jack-o’-lantern I’ve ever seen. I can’t imagine it getting anymore goddamn scary. Seriously, I can’t.
I think this is its peak scariness. Thank God.
Fall Limericks
I've written some more limericks for yourselves in honor of autumn. Good lord, I'm good at this. Is there a career path for the naturally gifted, yet somewhat lazy limerick writer?
Young loves on a trip almost done
Tried a corn maze off Route Fifty-One.
When they reached a dead end,
She proceeded to bend
And they found it a-maize-ingly fun.
A squirrel getting ready for winter
Was hoarding three months' worth of dinner.
When a pretty squirreless
Talked of coming distress,
He agreed that he'd store his nuts in her.
There once was a hipster named Randy
Whose long scarf seemed pretty darn dandy.
But sooner than later
On the wrong escalator
The emergency button proved handy.
When Ted saw a fresh-raked leaf pile,
He decided to jump in with style.
A half gainer he dived,
And his spine broke in five
As he missed the leaf pile by a mile.
A stunning cheerleader named Claire
Had oddly bright red-fuschia hair.
We thought it was dyed,
But we couldn't decide
'Cause high kicks proved down there was Naired bare.
When Carl called work sick with the flu,
His boss thought him speaking untrue.
So he snuck to Carl's house,
Where he spied his own spouse
Get a “flu shot” from ol’ you-know-who.
