My Fan Club President
Alright, as the incoming president of my fan club, you’re gonna have many more responsibilities than a regular fan. I want to make sure you can handle it. Unlike the last president.
First off, you’re in charge of the convention planning committee. That covers everything from final say on the venue city to pricing out life-size Andy Ross ice sculptures.
Second, you’ll need to monitor the fan sites. And not just the official ones. Stay constantly active in the chatrooms, even those in other time zones. Please make sure no one has too old a photo of me as their avatar.
I’ll be relying on you to ghost write my next memoir. The previous president just strung together a bunch of my tweets. In this one, I want something new. Maybe say I once fought a lion or something.
Oh, and you need to check my fan mail for stalkers. If someone sends in a portrait of me, that’s fine. If it contains any human tissue, that’s a red flag. Also, only pass along the female underwear.
The archives are your responsibility too. It’s mostly ephemera, so wear acid-free gloves.
You’re welcome to sign any headshots to send out, but I did buy a machine for that. It holds ten Sharpies at once. It’d be a shame to waste it.
Ummm … starlets. There’ll be a lot of starlets coming in and out in the mornings. So try to familiarize yourself with their names. Especially, because I might need help remembering.
What else? What else? Oh yeah, please don’t hide underneath my bed to listen to me sleep. Your predecessor was terrible about that.
That’s it really. I’m so excited you won the election for fan club president. I know it was a tough race, especially because the incumbent tried to murder you. But, I really think the t-shirts you silkscreened made a big difference in the campaign. Kudos for that.
Before you ask any questions about day-to-day, can you run out and get me some Perrier? Thanks a bunch.
