Sense of Style
Why would you assume that I work for Bud Light? Just because my cargo van has a huge Bud Light logo on the side? That doesn't mean anything.
Would you assume any guy with a big "Chevy" sticker in his rear window works for Chevy? Of course not. Because making assumptions makes an ass out of both you and ... uh ... Assuming ... To assume that everyone’s an ass leaves the world blind.
What would you rather I have painted on my van? Some sort of wizard riding a pterodactyl over a beautiful waterfall? Yeah, that'd be amazing! I wish I had that on the side of my van! But, I'm not some fly-by-night van painter. I make my choices and I stick to them. I’d like to think that I have a unique personal style that exists outside of the whims of fads and fashion.
My van has a Bud Light logo; I wear a giant foam cowboy hat; I keep an extra grilled cheese in my fanny pack; my pink leather jacket has homemade fringe; my sunglasses are actually welder’s goggles; these plaid flannel pants tear away for hot days; my cornrows reach past my shoulder blades; I have multiple neck and wrist piercings; my sandals are made of duct tape; I have smiley face contact lenses; my blue lipstick matches my toenail polish; I wear a medieval quiver to hold my diablo sticks and juggling balls; my sideburns have a drawing of the Papa Smurf shaved into the side; my roller blades are covered with Garfield stickers. So? What of it?
Does that make you think I work for Garfield? Or that I write sexually inappropriate fan fiction about the Smurfs? Or that I can’t afford real sandals? Or that I was raised in a home without a sense of structure or love? Or that I just sort of scrounge around for a sense of identity? Or that my van has broken down on the way to Burning Man, and I need to borrow your jumper cables?
Because, a couple of those are correct.
Bully for you, Mr. Judgmental! WAY TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY! Now, can I borrow those jumper cables or what?
Me, The Trend Setter
So, guess what? Paunches are coming back in fashion. I guess it’s the pendulum swinging back from skinny jeans and fitted dress shirts. People are getting sick of the waif look.
Finally! I knew this would happen eventually. Remember how rain boots and summer scarves were big two years ago? Now, big bellies are the season’s must-have. I’m so glad I held onto mine.
It’s all about riding out the fads, y’know? First, it’s wide leg jeans; then it’s low rise jeans; then it’s capris; and on and on. You know what looks good? Straight leg jeans. Just stick with a good thing. Like a round little belly.
My wife has been nagging me for years to get rid of my paunch. She thought it looked outdated, and she constantly said I should walk over to the Salvation Army to get rid of it. Yeah, like I’m gonna walk two miles every day to the Salvation Army. It’s on top of a hill, for cripe’s sake.
She’s the one who made me give away my fedora from my swing dancing phase. Now, Mad Men is a hit, and I can’t show off my cool fedora. But, at least I held onto my paunch.
I first got this paunch way back in college. Looks the same as the day I noticed it in a vintage store. (I was trying on an awesome cowboy shirt, and I couldn’t get the buttons to snap. That’s when I noticed my belly in the mirror.) Anyway, I’ve kept this paunch ever since. I guess I’m a trend setter.
Seriously, I have pictures to prove it. Nearly every photo of my since undergrad has my paunch in it, even as other fashion trends came and went. There’s me with my paunch and boot-cut chinos. Then, there was that phase where I only wore hooded sweatshirts over my paunch. I even had it at my wedding, though you can barely see it poking out under my cummerbund.
I simply had faith that if I held onto my paunch long enough, it would come back into vogue. Now, when I go to a bar for my standard four beers and an order of onion rings, I see ladies staring at my roly poly belly. I know what they’re thinking. Sorry, ladies, I may be stylish, but I’m happily married.
Sure, some day my paunch my go out of fashion again, but it’ll come back around. Fashion is cyclical. Look at skinny ties or bellbottoms or hoop earrings. I just hope that giant, asymmetrical foreheads come back into style. Then, I’ll be all set.