It Must Be Fate
I wouldn’t say I’m especially religious. But, I do think that there’s a greater plan—fate, providence, immutable actions and reactions. That’s why I think fate brought me here to your pizza place, just as you were about to throw away that pizza.
Think about it. What are the chances that out of all the pizza places in the world, I would drunkenly stumble into this one? Just as you were closing up for the night. And, just as you were about to throw away the last of your unsold pizza. And, I happened to want to eat pizza. For free. Because I don’t care how old or gelatinous it is. Because I’m drunk. Seriously, what are the chances?
It’s a sign, man. It’s a sign from the universe that I was meant to be here, swaying back and forth, staring at you and your pizza. There’s a purpose to this moment. Do you feel the purpose? I was put on this world to eat the pizza that no one else wanted. And, you sir, you were put on this world to give me that pizza for free.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off us, right? Right? All that uncertainty, all the worry—it’s gone. We’re destined to connect across this pizza counter—you as the owner, and me as the dude who needs to soak up some cheap whiskey in my belly. We’re special.
So, can I get that pizza now or what? No, I won’t pay half price. That’s not what Fate is about. Fate’s about you giving me free pizza. And, then maybe we would have struck up a friendship, and eventually you would have been the best man at my wedding. But, you had to ruin fate by being a dick. That’s fine, be a dick. That’s fine.
I’m gonna go. Maybe there’s another pizza place closing soon nearby. Maybe that’s where Fate wants me to end up. Fate just used you as a side something… Distraction—a side distraction is what I meant. I’m gonna go find my new best friend who owns a pizza place but isn’t a dick about it.
Whoops, I knocked over your thingy. I’m sorry. I’m putting it back. Sorry. That wasn’t because of the thing with you not giving me your garbage pizza, I swear. Maybe it was just Fate that I was supposed to knock it over.
I gotta go throw up in the alley. See you later, best friend.
