Health Class
Listen up, class. I know this might be uncomfortable, especially because you’re normally split up between boys and girls gym. But, we’ve brought you together, because health is an important conversation. And, I don’t want you to think of me as Mrs. Archer today; I want you to think of me as Joan.
Now, we’ve all noticed our bodies. By hands, who’s noticed their bodies? Okay, there should be more hands than that. You must have noticed you bodies. They’re those squishy parts underneath your heads. And, that’s what I want to talk to you about--your burgeoning … squishiness.
Girls, I know you all want to dress sexy, like that Katy Perry, but just know that putting yourself on display is a slippery slope. Your bodies are for running and jumping and such. They are not for the boys to objectify.
I understand there’s pressure. In a few years, you’ll go on spring break, and there’ll be thong dancing contests or what have you. Well, you might think that’s okay. But, then it’s wet t-shirts or eating a banana covered in whip cream. And, the next thing you know, you’re in some back room in Tijuana turning a flashlight on without using your hands.
Now, you boys may think you’re in for some great show. But, you be careful, too. Because, you look at these girls with navel rings, and you watch these webcams and everything’s exciting. But, soon, that’s not taboo enough to get you revved up. One minute it’s strip clubs, the next it’s hard core MILF porn. And, before you know it you won’t be able to get an erection without sticking your hand in a bowl of lukewarm macaroni while your wife hums the William Tell Overture. But, don’t think she’ll stick around for that, because teaching gym pays plenty well enough to afford an apartment.
Okay, to sum up: our bodies are a temple, and that temple should be hidden away underground until some brave archeologist--consensually and in college--unearths it slowly with shovels and then those little paint brushes.
Class dismissed.
