Wedding Gift Ideas
In honor of the royal wedding, I've decided to list off my favorite wedding gifts to give/receive.
Because, let’s face it, wedding registries are weird and transactional. That’s why you’re allowed up to a year from the day of the wedding to think of something awesome. At that point, of course, you can give up trying and just buy the one pickle fork and one corn-on-the-cob holder left on the registry.
But, that all changes right here and right now, goddamnit! Because, you’ve got me on your side. And, besides being the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, I’m also in the top ten wedding gifters. Fine, top twenty.
My favorite wedding gifts are:
An ice cream maker, which provides a helpful scapegoat to explain the post-wedding weight gain.
A large silver salad bowl. Have you ever eaten two pints of homemade ice cream out of a silver bowl? It makes you feel powerful.
Monogramed Slap Chop. Obviously.
An ornate picture frame to make any picture look beautiful, even the one of that doggy-looking flower girl. Jesus Christ, I hope she grows into those ears.
Some bullshit shaped like a heart. Honestly, this can be whatever.
A croquet set, unless the bride and groom are the kind of jerks who don’t like croquet, which are the worst kind of jerks.
A pet parrot! It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Responsibility. For eighty years.
Silver candlesticks. They’re not just for murder. You can use them to hold candles as well.
A KitchenAid mixer says to the couple, "Here's hoping that one day you'll have a kitchen big enough to store all this useless shit.”
A crystal vase. With proper pronunciation, please. We’re not animals.
A marble cheese tray. I take cheese far too seriously to serve it on some granite bullshit. Or wood, ugh.
Rosewood salad tongs. Salad-based gifts are like the life preserver you throw the couple during their post-wedding ice cream and cheese binges.
Ziplock baggies. C’mon, admit it---pretty useful.
Superglue. To repair that glass the groom accidentally stepped on at the end of the ceremony. I hope he wasn’t too embarrassed.
A gift certificate to a crib store. Thanks, Mom, we get it. WE GET IT ALREADY!
Matching aprons. Adorable! No wait, too adorable. Gross. Nevermind.
Something the groom might like. I'm just kidding.
Thanksgiving Parade Float
I'm having the hardest time brainstorming my float for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I wouldn't say I'm blocked per se, but for whatever reason, I can't come up with a concept. Turkeys? A cornucopia? What is this, amateur hour?
First, I thought I'd do a falling leaf motif. Maybe me and some Broadway celebrity friends gliding down from giant maple leaf parachutes. But, then I remembered that I did a parachute thing in 2004.
I had an idea for a float made out of fall berries--cranberries, juniper berries, lingonberries, mistletoe. That's a great motif, but what do you do with it? Make one giant berry out of other berries? Too meta.
Maybe a mobile ice skating rink? One sharp turn, though, and a triple lutz turns into a triple klutz. (Ha! At least I still have my sense of humor.)
It's nearly impossible to come up with something never done before. Let alone top my float from last year. How do you beat Bruno the Christmas Llama? The king head wears a heavy crown.
It's no help that the Macy's people are pressuring me for my technical specs. Can't they just trust that I'll have the best float again? I guess it makes sense after I did that 1:4 scale replica of the Chrysler Building. They had to widen 5th Avenue, but everyone agreed it was worth it.
Maybe a working rocket ship shaped like a sweet potato? How about a giant, smashed jack-o'-lantern? Is that too cynical? I don't want the television audience thinking I'm belittling Thanksgiving. I learned my lesson after my "Armchair Quarterback" float. One too many potato chip crumbs and suddenly it's a class statement.
I've got to come up with something soon. This isn't like the Rose Bowl Parade; I can't just slap a few mums onto chicken wire and call it "Splendor of Hope" or some bullshit.
Listen, I'm going to lock myself in my office, and I'm not coming out until I have an idea for my float. If I'm not out by lunchtime, please bring me some tomato soup and... Wait a minute! Tomato soup and a sandwich! It's so subtle, so comforting and universal. To the drafting board!
Halloween Costume Ideas
I’ve spent all year hand-crafting my intricate Halloween costume, but I understand that some of you wait until the last minute/month. Listen, it’s not my place to judge. I leave that to the costume contest judges. But, if you are going to half-ass Halloween, at least make sure the ass is half full.
What do I mean by that? I don’t know. I just woke up groggy from an all-nighter at my sewing machine. The important thing is that my costume is going to be amazing. Yours should be, too.
Here are a few ideas for your Halloween costumes:
A Centaur Lady Gaga. Obvious, right? Well, here’s the twist: The front half is a horse, and only the butt and legs are Lady Gaga. It’ll be totally Lady Gaga of you to flip things around like that.
Vanpire. It’s a sexy minivan that sucks blood. Ooh, it’s so brooding.
Evil Smothers Brothers. In this version, Tom has the moustache and Dick doesn’t. That’s how you know they come from an alternate, evil Smothers Brothers dimension.
Pre-viz Avatar. Glue ping pong balls to a unitard and walk around giving constant exposition.
KGB Agents. Dress like a normal suburban couple, except clenching microfilm somewhere secret.
Snooooooki Crisps. The breakfast cereal version of the Jersey Shore cast member. I’m not sure how you’d pull off the cereal part. That’s not my problem. I’m not the one who waited until the last minute. Goddammit, show some initiative!
Vehement, Speech-Giving Charlie Chaplin. Careful with this one.
Iron Man. This is where you show up in a white t-shirt holding a steam iron. That way, everyone has to ask you what your costume is, and you get to remain ironically aloof while still receiving the attention you so desperately crave.
The Madhatter. I didn’t see this remake, but I’m betting you can just recycle your old Willy Wonka costume.
Steampunk/Lonely Dude. This is just a steampunk costume, but the subtext is that you’ve got too much time on your hands from a complete lack of social obligations.
Blood-Drenched Clown. Go ahead, be that guy at the party.
Flight Attendant Who Stays at His Job Because He Has a Solid Work Ethic. Won’t get as many laughs as the alternative, but at least it’s not super gross.
Slutty Bumblebee. It’s a classic.
That’s it. I hope those were helpful suggestions. I’d love to give you more, but I have to get back to carefully crafting my steampunk costume.