Mystery Key
For the past couple of years, I’ve had an extra key on my key chain. I have no idea what lock it fits, and honestly, I only noticed it by accident when I mistook it for my front door key. (By the way, no I was not high, Mr. I-Make-Assumptions-About-Andy's-Life-Choices.)
I asked my wife about it; I tried it in all the doors of our apartment; I looked for distinguishing marks… I got nothing, you guys.
So, I’ve come up a few possibilities as to what this key might open:
- My laundry room two apartment buildings ago.
- Some attic somewhere.
- The ancient chest in the corner of the basement with the scary thumping sounds.
- Half of a locket that I never knew held the identity of my royal twin, from whom I was separated at birth. And, also he’s bored by his pampered life. If only he could somehow switch places with someone… And, also he has a really cool dog.
- Happiness / my dreams / success / the Twinkie drawer.
- My super-secret wall safe behind my painting of Scrooge McDuck.
- The gun rack in my uncle’s '82 Impala.
- The complex allegory of visual motifs of Mulholland Drive.
- A rental car I keep forgetting to return. Ugh.
[Wait a minute, I was only kidding earlier about the Twinkie drawer, but now I can’t stop thinking that it might actually BE the key for my drawer full of Twinkies. Let me go check that again…
... Nope. They’re still stuck in there.]
- My mailbox. Do people still send snail mail anymore? Oh my god, do you think that’s where all my utility bills went?
- The motel room of that creepy dude from the aluminum siding conference.
- THE CAPS LOCK.
- A storage space filled with collectible teddy bears.
- Some sort of guerilla theater thing my wife planned for my 30th birthday but then gave up on.
- Some sex stuff I don’t want to get into on my blog.
Anyway, I’ll probably remember what this mystery key is for eventually. Until then, it’ll stay right here on my keychain between my key for the lobby and this key for the… um…
Huh, where’d this other key come from? COLLEEN, ARE YOU IN THE KITCHEN? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS KEY IS FOR? NO, A SECOND KEY…
