Left-Handedness
I know it's fashionable today to say that left-handedness is an equally valid lifestyle, that people are somehow born left-handed. But, let me make one thing clear---left-handedness is a choice, pure and simple.
Or, should I say impure and simple. [See what I did there? I used clever wordplay. Did you catch that?]
"But, who would choose such a depraved life?" you might ask, and probably are asking right now. Thank you for asking. Goofballs and nogoodniks is your answer. Goofballs and nogoodniks.
"Oooh, look at me. I get flummoxed by scissors. When I use a pencil, it looks like I'm protecting my lunch tray in a prison cafeteria." Shut up, lefty. I happen to have been to prison several times for check kiting, and that’s not at all what eating in prison looks like.
God, don’t you hate how left-handed people think they know everything about prison? It makes me so mad, I just want to titty-twister somebody.
Listen … listen ... listen to me, I am no blind bigot. A bigot is somebody who secretly wishes he were left-handed. And, I do not. Not never ever. Why would I want to be left-handed? So the cool kids would think I’m cool and let me into their cool leftish clubs? Gross.
So what if I can only climax using my left hand? That doesn’t mean nothin'.
Left-handed people are an abomination, impure and simple. [Tee hee, I did it again!] Let me ask you this, if God wanted us to be left-handed, why would he have invented right-handed can openers? Boom. Trump card. I just laid down the ideological trump card on you goofballs.
Some say it’s a matter of public decency, that left-handedness should be kept indoors. I say if you want to be left-handed in the privacy of your own home, that’s also disgusting. Grody, you guys.
I am so grateful that my parents had the foresight to send me to a sleepaway camp where the camp counselors bound my left hand to my leg and made me right-handed. It was totally worth all the confusion and self-hatred. Plus, now I can shoot a bow & arrow with my teeth.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that left-handed nogoodniks are goofballs. Grody, grody goofballs.
Listen up, southpaws. You can keep your screen printing and your Ethiopian food and your cargo vans. Who needs ‘em? Not me! [crying] You hear that, world?! [still crying] I don’t need anybody… I DON’T NEED ANYBODY! [storms out, knocking over gumball machine.]
