Confessions of a Spambot
Hey guys, I think it’s time that I come clean about something. Are you sitting down? Okay... I’m a spambot. I’m an automated computer program designed to gather information and spread unsolicited marketing messages. I’m sorry to have lied to you all.
You see, this entire blog is nothing but an elaborate ruse, or "the long-game" as we spambots like to call it. All these humorous essays are actually just a string of mathematical variables---4% absurdism, 17% double entendres, 8% 1990s pop culture references. I’m not really a comedy writer at all, just a series of ones and zeros. I guess this means I passed the Turing test. I feel terrible about it.
The whole point of all this was to make you believe that you weren’t actually receiving a series of ultra-subtle marketing messages. I bet many of you didn’t even notice that since you’ve started reading this blog, you’ve been buying 23% more beard conditioner on average.
“But wait,” a few of you might be saying, “I’ve met the author in real life. And, the dancing videos.” Well, um, that’s an actor hired to play the role of Andy Ross. His real name is Chip Brockwell, and I found him through the Julliard alumni database. He had to gain thirty pounds for the role.
Listen, I feel terrible about abusing your trust. I can’t imagine what you must feel like having been fooled by a spambot for so long. The echoes of all those laughs must ring hollow in your ears. I am so sorry. I can only hope that you take some small comfort in the lustrous shine and newfound volume of your beards.
If you want to stop reading, I understand. I just hope that we can remain friends and that I can continue mining your hard drive for personal information to sell back to my Facebook and Google overloards.
Alright, well, goodnight and good grooming.
We Need To Facebook
So, I talked with my nephew, Donny, and I decided that Mitch’s Surplus Medical Supplies needs to get on the Facebook. For too long, we’ve gotten new business based on customer satisfaction, word of mouth, and careful community interaction. But, that’s all the past. The future is the Facebook.
Now, I know a lot of you are saying, “Mitch, why now? Aren’t we doing okay selling reasonably priced surplus medical supplies as is?” Ah ha! See, I caught you! In that hypothetical thought of yours I just spoke aloud, you thought/said the word “okay.” Well, we should be doing better than okay; we should be doing the Facebook numbers. I don’t know exactly what those numbers are, but I assume they’re huge.
I mean, everywhere you turn, it’s the Facebook this and the Twitter that. Somebody’s making a load of money off this stuff, and I think it should be us. So, here’s what we do:
Step 1 – We get on the Facebook. That means setting up a password that we can all remember. I suggest the word “compression,” because the computer is right near the compression hosiery.
Step 2 – We make a page where people can talk about how much they enjoy Mitch’s Surplus Medical Supplies.
Step 3 – We see what happens.
Step 4 - Maybe our “fans” start sharing photos of their purchases in use. They can post personal stories of surplus medical supplies they’ve enjoyed. I don’t know what these people do on the Facebook. But, it must be goddamn fascinating, I’ll tell you that.
Step 4 – Ask around as to how people monetize all this stuff. I’m sure somebody’s figured it out.
Step 5 – Lean back and let the Facebook money roll in.
I haven’t crunched the numbers yet, but this seems like a pretty intuitive plan. Let’s cancel all our existing marketing and move over to the Facebook. Donny said he could make us up a Facebook website with the Twittering and the like.
Maybe we throw in a deal that if people make their own Facebooks of our surplus medical supplies, they can get a ten percent discount on their next purchase of a wound care product.
Somebody get on that. I gotta go clean up a spill in the hernia cushion aisle.