My Amazing Mural
I’ve moved to a new apartment, and it’s the first one that I’ve been allowed to paint. So, I’ve gone all out and painted an apartment-wide mural. Let me describe it for you.
When you enter the front door, you see a swirling, paisley, Mandelbrot fractal pattern, and it confuses you. Your senses are assaulted, and you wonder, “Wait, did I just walk into an apartment or into the mind of a genius?” Well, in a way you did both.
The paisley pattern flows left towards the living room, where it smoothly and skillfully transitions into a forest scene. The forest is so amazingly photorealistic, it seems real, like a photo.
Then you look closer, and you see the trees are made up of a million little dots. And, each dot is a little face. And, each face is mouthing a different syllable, which if placed all in a row and played as a film would sing the complete Harry Belafonte song catalogue. That’s how many trees there are in my living room.
What’s that in the corner? Why it’s a little, painted porcupine pointing toward the kitchen. I think he wants you to go into the kitchen.
The kitchen is painted like a 1950’s diner, all red and white checkers. The cabinets look like rows of soda fountain glasses. The fridge is painted to look like a milkshake machine. The milkshake machine is painted to look like a cash register.
Finally, after pie, we move into the bedroom—the pièce de résistance. The entire back wall is a self-portrait of me and Heidi Klum riding dolphins into the sunset. But, the dolphins are robot dolphins. What does that mean? Is it the future where dolphins are extinct? It can’t be; Heidi looks so young and pert, like from her first Sports Illustrated shoot. Even I’m not sure when the painting takes place. Great art challenges you.
In the painting, Heidi and I are holding hands. Our cheeks are flushed and our eyes sleepy. It looks as though we’ve just been through some sort of intense physical activity together. She looks like she’s had multiple activities. I’m winking. (In the painting, I’m winking too.)
I can’t wait until my wife comes back from her conference. I think she’s really going to like the mural I painted while she’s been gone.
