New Photographer
Hello, Kristie, is it? Welcome to Playboy. I’ll be your photographer, Donald.
Oh, it says in your file that this is your first time posing nude. Well, don’t be nervous. Nothing to worry about. Actually, full disclosure, this is my first time photographing a nude model. I just got hired on Friday. So, let’s agree to not be nervous together, shall we? Alright.
You can go ahead and take off your robe while I check the lighting over... Oh my golly. What is--- Are those your underpants? Goodness, those are very... something. Did wardrobe give you those? No, they’re yours? Even with all lace bits and the strappy thingies? Well, gosh, that’s... holy moly.
Uhhhh, okay. Why don't you get on the bed there. Careful not to--- no, you got it.
I’m just going to take a few test shots with your underclothes on, so that the both of us can get more comfortable with this whole business. So, that is what I'm doing now.
I am taking pictures.
Yup.
Taking photographs, because I am a photographer.
Hey, Kristie? Hi. Try to make your face kinda, um, sexual. Sensual? I don’t know. Like, maybe you want to--- Nope you got it. That’s good what you're doing there with your mouth and stuff. Good job, buddy.
Sorry, buddy is the wrong word. Sorry. I'm just gonna pick up this light I knocked over.
Alright, whenever you're ready, you can unhook your top thingy. That’s right---your bra. That’s what it’s called. Take your time; I don't want to rush--- Oh boy, you just took that right off. You just... Um, alright. Okay. Umm... I should probably take more pictures if that's okay with you.
Please, if you could tilt your chin up, please. Thank you very thank you. And, could you please turn your top parts towards the camera. That's right; those parts.
Um, yeah, so it would be good for the pictures if you put your hands near your booooo... your breaa... your bosoms. For the photographs, could you kinda touch your bosomy parts? Again, this is for the pictures. This isn’t like a personal request or anything.
Phew, okay, we got that. I think these pictures are gonna be real nice so far. And, I guess it's time to take off the rest of what you’re wearing. Your bottoms.
Gosh, there they go. That has happened.
I'm just going to change film here. Oh, that’s right; this is a digital camera. Look at that. I knew that. Why did I think this was a film camera? Ha ha, that weird.
Whoa! That's your tushy. Your backside, I mean. Your buuuu... your bum. It's just right there. Out in the open. I should probably take a picture of that, I guess. That's my job, after all. This is my job. Taking pictures of naked ladies is my job. Okay.
It’s very hot in here. Are you sweating? No? I’m sweating.
Wow, y’know what? I need to go get a glass of water. Would you like a glass of water? Maybe some ice tea? I’m going to bring you some ice tea. Just wait here.
I’m actually feeling a little bit feint, so I’m gonna be over here in the corner breathing into this paper bag. No no no. Keep doing what you’re doing though. You’re doing great. Everything is just great. Phew, okay.
Thanks for your understanding. I hope you’re enjoying your first shoot.
Time-Lapse
When we here at the Walter M. Kronenberg Microbial and Fungal Research Lab at MIT began using time-lapse photography in our study of fungi, we discovered surprising results. It certainly wasn't the expected outcome of the experiment.
Originally, we had simply hoped to examine non-quantitative growth trends of Basidiomycota mushrooms as it related to the near infrared (NIR) spectrum. Based on projections, we expected a ten percent decrease in growth angle as cloud cover reached three oktas. What we found instead was an unpredictably erotic quality to the photography.
It was subtle, but something about the time-lapse and its virtual speeding up of mushroom growth ... I mean, none of us are art critics by any means. Most are Ph.D.s with specialties in spore-bearing fungus. But, these films moved us on a very core, very visceral level. There was a palpable sexuality to them. It was … hypnotic.
Don’t get me wrong, none of us are mushroom fetishists. (At least none of us came into this as mushroom fetishists. I’ve heard that’s big amongst Japanese fugi researchers.) No, we’re just ordinary post-doc men and women who’ve had our eyes opened to the sensual orchestra that is time-lapse mushroom growth.
I don’t want to go into detail about the titillating aspects of high-speed mushroom growth films--the engorged stems, the delicate release of the gill latticework, the pulsating throb of non-photosynthetic spongiform development. This is, after all, a grant application to the National Science Foundation. But, what I will say is that my fellow researchers and I feel that this is important ongoing research in the field of mycology.
That is why we are asking for continued funding in the area of Basidiomycetes growth study with specific focus on buying some Barry White albums and having a few cocktails before we watch the next round of time-lapse videos.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Dr. Emmet Brunchler, Ph.D.
P.S. I thought I'd attach a few YouTube videos I found of mushroom time-lapse photography. I mean, whatever. If you're into it, you're into it. If not, it's just fungi.