Haircut Notes
Greetings,
If you’re receiving this note, it means that you are my new barber and/or hairdresser. First off, congratulations. You may not realize this, but you have passed a rigorous screening and background check. That’s something to feel very proud about.
Second, I hope you’re looking forward to this process as much as I am. I’m very excited to work together with you on creating the best haircut possible for me. I think, together, we can really do something special here.
Instead, of rushing through a discussion of what I’d like done with my hair just before the haircut, itself, I figured I’d write down some thoughts for you to fully digest before our appointment later this week.
Here are some feelings I’d like this haircut to convey:
- Hope
- Bold self-awareness
- Nobility
- Attention to the past paired an enlightened optimism re: the future
- Humility
- Empathy
- Strength
I understand that these are simply words at this point. None of this will take final shape until we see the fully-realized haircut in action. I mean, neither of us can guess exactly what people will think when they look at this haircut. If we could control that, we’d rule the world. But, we can encourage. We can prod. We can guide.
I guess what I want this haircut to ultimately do is inspire others to be the best selves they can be. That’ll require both an eye on detail and attentiveness to the greater overall vision. Some would say your focus should be the minutiae and implementation, while I should handle big picture goals. Well, that might be okay for standard, everyday trims. But, I’m not looking for an employee; I want a partner. Let’s roll up our sleeves. Let’s spitball ideas. Really dig into the greater issues surrounding this haircut.
For instance, we both know that a haircut is not a static artifact. From the moment any single hair is snipped, it becomes an ever-changing dynamic aesthetic element, both in its kinetic movement and in its literal growth. A breeze, a jaunty step, the ticking of the clock---a haircut is literally different from one second to the next. And, planning can only account for so much of the ultimate form and function of a hairstyle. That’s why we need to be light on our feet.
Included in this envelope, you’ll find some additional materials to look over. It’s a few rough charcoal sketches and some magazine clippings. Don’t worry; none of these reference other, existing haircuts. I wouldn’t insult you as like that.
It’s more a style guide or a mood chart---photos of the Acropolis, gouaches of limestone sea caves, an interesting essay on fractals and their relationship to contemporary origami. Don’t worry about memorizing any of it; just be familiar with some of the concepts before our pre-haircut phone call.
Speaking of, can you send me your availability for a quick Skype conference about this? I want to bring in a couple of other creative types I know for a brainstorming session. There’s a Google document where you can sign up for any of the three-hour blocks. I mean, ideally, I’d like you involved with all of the sessions, but I understand that you’ll need time to sharpen you scissors and test your combs and such.
Again, I’m really excited about this, and I hope you are as well. If you need to reach me for any reason, there’s a list of my various phone and fax numbers in Section C of the attached documents. Don’t hesitate to call or email any time, day or night.
All the best,
Andrew "Andy" Ross
Valentine’s Day Ideas
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and I need to come up with a romantic plan for me and my wife.
Listen, I know that Valentine’s Day is an artificial construct engineered by faceless corporations to guilt us into spending money. But, isn’t everything? I mean, stop and think about it---doesn’t that describe every single aspect of modern life?
I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
Alright, so we acknowledge that Valentine’s Day is as equally valid/invalid as everything else in our culture. That still means I need to figure out plans for a date. Something surprising. [Colleen, if you are reading this, stop right now. I’m serious, Colleen. SPOILER ALERT!]
I had a couple of preliminary ideas:
First I came up with a hot air balloon ride. But, then I remembered that I’m deathly afraid of ballooning ever since my sister and I survived a hot air balloon crash when I was little. [True story. I’ll tell you about it later.] I thought maybe I could overcome my fear by facing it head on. Then I threw up all over the ballooning brochures.
I decided maybe we could go on a romantic horseback ride instead. Colleen loves horses, don’t you, Colleen? [Ha! I knew you were still reading this! Colleen, stop trying to ruin Valentine’s Day!]
But, then I remembered the last time we went horseback riding and how saddle sore I got. I felt like a goddamn wishbone afterward. And, if there’s one day my pelvis needs to be in proper working order, it’s Valentine’s Day. Am I right? I’m winking right now, FYI.
What else could we do? A sunset cruise? Kiss atop of the Empire State Building? This isn’t amateur hour, people. I needed to come up with the perfect Valentine’s plan. That’s when I thought of it…
Fondue!
Everybody loves a romantic evening at home with fondue. The tiny burners requiring vigilant attention; fishing fallen bits of bread out of the hot cheese; the scalding oil dripping down your chin---it’s all so romantic. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Gooey equals sexy.
I did a test run while Colleen was at a work conference, and it went pretty well. Three tablecloth fires and one chocolate carpet stain later, and I’m feeling super confident as a fondue chef.
I even bought an apron that says “Fonduers Have Fon-Doing It!” Clever, right? You know, the brain is the most sensual organ after the genitals.
So, we’re all set. Colleen gets back from her work conference Monday night, which is Valentine’s Day night. She’ll be carrying three bags and a briefcase and a portable video projector. Plus, it’ll be the end of a 14-hour flight once you account for her layovers in Denver and O’Hare.
But, when that airport shuttle drops her off, I’ll be sitting in our apartment, nude except for a novelty apron, surrounded by a labor-intensive eating experience. And, once she cleans the fondue dishes, which is only fair since I will have cooked dinner, we’ll retire to the boudoir for a little post-cheese-fondue romance.
I do believe it’s gonna be the sexiest Valentine’s Day ever.