My First Act as Mayor
As my first act as mayor, I am going to get rid of all these squirrels. It’s the platform I ran under, and the voters have clearly given me a mandate. Today is the dawn of a new era for our great city. No longer shall we be plagued by these thieving, bushy-tailed tree rats.
When I started my third party candidacy, people said I was crazy. No one believed that a simple falafel vendor with no government experience could get elected mayor—especially with such a focused campaign of ridding our community of its squirrel infestation. Seriously, people thought I was some kind of wacko.
But, as the race progressed, something happened. First, the incumbent Democratic candidate was caught on videotape taking bribes from an orphanage builder. The audio is a little fuzzy, but you could actually make out the mayor saying, “Asbestos, schmabestos. Give me my damn money, you c*#%!”
Then, just a week ago, the Republican candidate had his unfortunate autoerotic asphyxiation accident. And, after his death, the polygamy charges came to light. My heart goes out to his families.
(I can’t be sure of it, but I’m sure squirrels were involved somehow in his passing. Maybe their annoying squirrel chatter kept the Tea Party candidate from hearing the safe word. My heart goes out to her family as well.)
Now, normally a third party candidate still wouldn’t stand a chance of getting elected. However, people believed in my message of poisoning every squirrel that ever stole a falafel from my cart. That, and the election fell on the same day the American Idol tour bus broke down near the fairgrounds. I heard it was a pretty good free concert. I wouldn’t know; I was busy taking part in the lowest voter turnout ever recorded.
And yesterday, with a whopping six percent of the vote, I beat out the Aliens-Are-Controlling-Our-Jews candidate to become your new mayor.
So, look out, squirrels! I’m prepared to spend every dime this city has to outfit our police and firefighters with anti-squirrel hammers. Your days of terrorizing our noble cart vendors are over.
God bless you all, and God bless America.
