Q-tips Fine Print
I recently discovered the fine print on the back of a package of Q-tips Cotton Swabs.
I don't know if you've ever looked closely at the packaging for Q-tips. Probably not. That’s fine. But, it very clearly states that you should never use Q-tips inside your ear canal. Even though it seems like that’s exactly what they were originally designed for. Because, it turns out misuse of Q-tips poses a danger of rupturing your eardrum.
Fortunately, there are helpful, illustrated suggestions for other possible uses. For instance, you can use Q-tips to apply make-up... Or you can use them to swab a baby's nostrils... Or you can clean your computer keyboard...
And then, in very tiny (5-point type) pale blue letters, it reads:
Or you can go ahead and use them in your ears. Nobody's looking. It’s fine. I mean, who are we kidding, right? Let's not play these games.
Wait, are you seriously considering not use Q-tips in your ear canals? Have you ever used a Q-tip? It's like... I don't know how to say this. It's like… y'know when you've been wearing condoms for a couple of years, and then things start to get serious with someone, and you both decide to go on the pill and stop using a condom? It's fucking amazing! Oh my god, it just feels right. Like this is what we’re put on this Earth to do. It’s the same with Q-tips.
Not that we here at Q-tips’ parent corporation Unilever want you to stop using condoms. Keep using condoms, you guys. Especially any of you teenagers out there. Because that shit can ruin your life. No glove no love, kids.
But, you know, once you’ve been in a committed relationship for a while, and you’ve both gotten tested, and you both agree to what you’ll do if somebody gets pregnant…
Anyway, Q-tips---that's a low risk game for such a high level reward. Seriously, try this: Go a week without using a Q-tip, and then when you finally use one, try not to moan with pleasure. You can’t. You cannot not moan with pleasure. These for sure go in your ears.
We’re just saying that you shouldn’t be a doof about it. Don’t use Q-tips inside a commuter train bathroom. Or, don’t use them while walking through a revolving door. Or on a trampoline. But, you know, other than that, you should be fine.
So, yeah, go ahead. Ear city. Just don’t tell them FDA we told you to, because they’re about two complaints away from crawling up our asses on this one. It almost makes you want to vote Libertarian, if only those guys weren’t such weird gun freaks.
Q-tips: Like sex without a condom.
And, that’s exactly what it says in the fine print on the back Q-tips brand cotton swabs. You can go to the drugstore and see for yourself. Crazy right?
