Revenge
Listen, despite the horrible thing you did, I would never think of acting out any kind of revenge against you. That's just not in my nature. I couldn't even conceive how to go about it. Specifically, I would never commit the following acts of understandable revenge:
-- I would never drop your phone into a Venti hot chocolate from Starbucks. Even though you always leave it on the corner of your desk so that it would be very easy to make look like an accident. I would never do that. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.
-- I would never wait until you fell asleep and then cut off your hair and then glue that hair onto the face of a bald mannequin head so that when you woke up you'd see a disembodied werewolf head made up of your own hair staring back at you. What would make you believe I could even think up something like that?
- I would never break into your online banking account and donate all your savings to a nonprofit that you strongly believed in---something like providing clean drinking water to babies in the Sudan---so that you'd feel incredibly guilty about having to ask them for your money back. I mean how terrible would it feel to take drinking water out of the mouths of babies? I wouldn't do that to you. Even though I could, and you would totally deserve it. I don't believe in vengeance.
-- I would never even think of digging an elaborate network of tunnels under your house, burying boomboxes on timers that would play Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like A Woman" at odd hours so that you could just barely hear it as you tried to fall asleep. Nobody deserves that kind of torture. Not even you.
-- I would never replace your ice cream with frozen yogurt, even though I can just imagine the look on your face when you thought your ice cream went sour and threw it out. But, if you only knew it was frozen yogurt, you be all like "Oh, that's fine I guess. It's healthier." But, you wouldn't know! Ha ha ha!
-- I would never frame you for Janet Jackson's 2004 Superbowl Nipplegate incident.
I would never, ever do any of that. I can't believe you would accuse me of doing all those things. It must have been somebody else who also had a perfectly justifiable reason for pulling all those vengeful pranks. I swear.
