My Notes On Your Script
Okay, first, I think your script is terrific. Thank you so much for asking my opinions on it. For the most part, I think everything is in place, but I do have a few ideas. So here goes:
- I think the opening scenes are nice—very visual, snappy dialogue—but, the screenplay really starts rolling on page 78 with the dining hall scene. So, I think you should just start there and cut everything up to page 77.
- I like your sense of place in the script. You paint a very good picture of a claustrophobic space station. It gave me chills.
- I like the character of you. I know you named her Jessica Striker, but it’s pretty much your personality in an astronaut’s body. And, I think that’s great. It’s good to have a hero with flaws.
- One thing I didn’t like was the villain. He seemed a bit too monstrous and cruel. The audience needs a credible bad guy, so that the danger feels real. Also, I don’t know why he wears my brown sweatshirt and has my beard. How is that appropriate in space?
- (By the way, you left your lap desk and a couple skirts behind at the apartment. I’ll be away at 1pm on Thursday if you want to get them. You can leave your key on the kitchen table.)
- I thought your ending was really cute. It showed a fresh innocence about how the world works. I’m sure a lot of little girls out there will really connect with the idea that one character can be completely wrong and the other completely right.
- When the heroine finds a great new boyfriend, you fail to address how he’ll react to the heroine being a lying skank.
- On page 112, when you have the heroine disintegrate the villain with her space laser, maybe you could have her slowly crush him with her nagging instead.
Other than those notes, I think your script is in really good shape. You might want to run spellcheck in a few places, but nothing big. Oh, and I don’t think it’s customary to have casting suggestions at the front, so you might want to cut that. Also, Cameron Diaz? Really? Are you sure you don’t mean someone fatter?
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[Author's note: Blog readers, it's probably confusing that I talk about my wife in one post and then about having an imaginary girlfriend/breakup in the next. There's a simple answer. Laziness.]
