Missing Link
Reasons this skull I discovered might not be the missing link:
1) Hairline fractures along the occipital bone could only have been caused advanced stone tools.
2) Wear along the molars suggests the consumption of cultivated grains.
3) Rather than displaying classic Hominidae post-cranial traits, this is closer in shape to a vole or rodent's skull.
4) I found it on a picnic table in Central Park.
5) A group of ten-year-old boys were trying to hit it with a stick, but I chased them off.
6) My former colleagues at the museum insist it's a squirrel skull.
7) When I questioned their reasoning, they told me I was supposed to hand in my museum ID months ago.
8) My ex-wife agrees it's a squirrel skull, and says I need to stop coming around. She’s married to Donald now.
9) The foramen magnum is not positioned as anteriorly, which would suggest a semi-erect posture.
10) My buddy down at McGinty's, Dirty Pete, thinks it is the missing link, and he's usually wrong about things. Also drunk.
11) It’s in pretty good shape for being 200,000 years old.
12) The guy at the pawn shop wouldn’t give me more than five bucks for it.
13) I am pretty drunk right now.
14) The skull still has some bits of squirrel attached.
15) So, those are my reasons why I think this possibly might not be the missing link, officer.
