Wendy’s Spokesman
Five reasons why I should be the spokesman for the Wendy's fast food chain:
1) I FUCKING LOVE WENDY'S!!! Oh my god, sometimes I catch myself just thinking about a Number Seven with a Frosty™. Just staring off into space and smiling to myself about it. I'm smiling right now.
2) I'm super honest. I'll admit freely that sometimes Wendy's can be disgusting. Like, twice we've accidentally stopped at the same Wendy's off the Interstate in eastern Pennsylvania, and both times the fries were raw. And, the burgers had a funny, metallic flavor. Plus, all of the employees looked like R. Crumb had a nightmare about adult onset acne.
See? Honesty. I think the public would appreciate that and put their trust in me when I say that many other Wendy's franchises do not smell like dirty mop heads.
3) Have I mentioned my rakish smile and amazing dancing abilities? I'm sure we can work those into ad campaigns.
4) My wife only lets me eat Wendy's on road trips, because it's so unhealthy. (Honesty!) So, I'll probably never get sick of eating it, even as its spokesman.
5) Unlike Jared Fogle, I've never been caught up in a salacious, autoerotic asphyxiation manslaughter trial and ensuing media frenzy. Always use a safe word, folks. Always use a safe word.
