My Superstitions
Not walking under a ladder. Throwing salt over your shoulder. Some superstitions are common. But, everyone has their individual ones as well. For instance, I know a guy who thinks shrimp are unlucky just because he goes to the ER every time he eats shellfish.
Here are a few of my own idiosyncratic superstitions:
- I hold my breath whenever I pass a cemetery.
- I refuse to tell anyone my dreams before breakfast, for fear they’ll come true.
- Whenever a dachshund crosses my path, I have to pour out whatever orange juice I’m drinking at the time.
- I only ever chew gum two sticks at once, or else the Baba Yaga will come to steal my eyes.
- When my favorite basketball team is on a winning streak, I can’t de-lice my mascot uniform.
- I am allowed to break a mirror, but only out of anger at what I’ve become.
- If I don’t say “bless you” after someone sneezes, the world ends. You’re welcome, world.
- I turn all my teddy bears to face the wall while I sleep.
- I can’t open umbrellas indoors. Even little cocktail umbrellas, which makes Piña Colada Tuesdays no fun.
- Whenever I lose at Scrabble, I have to flip over the board and call my wife a cheater.
- I own a lucky horseshoe, which I found the day I got hit in the head playing horseshoes.
- When I’m at a wedding, I have to dance better than everyone else, or else the couple will be barren.
- I avoid the 13th floor of my building. Just because my ex-girlfriend, Betty, works there.
- Whenever I find a baby alone in the forest, I leave it, because it’s probably a changeling.
- If I step on a crack in the sidewalk, I call my mom to see if anything’s new.
- If someone touches my foot with the broom while sweeping, I have to punch that person in the face to get my soul back.
- Red moon at night, Rapper’s Delight.
- When a ladybug lands on me, I blow it away and make a wish that all these damn ladybugs stop landing on me.
That’s it for now. I’m never allowed to list more than 18 of my superstitions at one time, or else it’s bad luck.
