Valentine’s Day Ideas
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and I need to come up with a romantic plan for me and my wife.
Listen, I know that Valentine’s Day is an artificial construct engineered by faceless corporations to guilt us into spending money. But, isn’t everything? I mean, stop and think about it---doesn’t that describe every single aspect of modern life?
I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
Alright, so we acknowledge that Valentine’s Day is as equally valid/invalid as everything else in our culture. That still means I need to figure out plans for a date. Something surprising. [Colleen, if you are reading this, stop right now. I’m serious, Colleen. SPOILER ALERT!]
I had a couple of preliminary ideas:
First I came up with a hot air balloon ride. But, then I remembered that I’m deathly afraid of ballooning ever since my sister and I survived a hot air balloon crash when I was little. [True story. I’ll tell you about it later.] I thought maybe I could overcome my fear by facing it head on. Then I threw up all over the ballooning brochures.
I decided maybe we could go on a romantic horseback ride instead. Colleen loves horses, don’t you, Colleen? [Ha! I knew you were still reading this! Colleen, stop trying to ruin Valentine’s Day!]
But, then I remembered the last time we went horseback riding and how saddle sore I got. I felt like a goddamn wishbone afterward. And, if there’s one day my pelvis needs to be in proper working order, it’s Valentine’s Day. Am I right? I’m winking right now, FYI.
What else could we do? A sunset cruise? Kiss atop of the Empire State Building? This isn’t amateur hour, people. I needed to come up with the perfect Valentine’s plan. That’s when I thought of it…
Fondue!
Everybody loves a romantic evening at home with fondue. The tiny burners requiring vigilant attention; fishing fallen bits of bread out of the hot cheese; the scalding oil dripping down your chin---it’s all so romantic. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Gooey equals sexy.
I did a test run while Colleen was at a work conference, and it went pretty well. Three tablecloth fires and one chocolate carpet stain later, and I’m feeling super confident as a fondue chef.
I even bought an apron that says “Fonduers Have Fon-Doing It!” Clever, right? You know, the brain is the most sensual organ after the genitals.
So, we’re all set. Colleen gets back from her work conference Monday night, which is Valentine’s Day night. She’ll be carrying three bags and a briefcase and a portable video projector. Plus, it’ll be the end of a 14-hour flight once you account for her layovers in Denver and O’Hare.
But, when that airport shuttle drops her off, I’ll be sitting in our apartment, nude except for a novelty apron, surrounded by a labor-intensive eating experience. And, once she cleans the fondue dishes, which is only fair since I will have cooked dinner, we’ll retire to the boudoir for a little post-cheese-fondue romance.
I do believe it’s gonna be the sexiest Valentine’s Day ever.
