Deja Vu
Whoa, I'm having the most intense deja vu right now. It feels like all this has happened before. Remember last week, when I said I was experiencing deja vu? This feels exactly like that.
Remember? Last Tuesday, you were sitting over there, and I was right here, and I said, “Whoa, I'm having the most intense deja vu right now. Everything feels like it’s all happened before.” Am I crazy, or does this feel exactly like that? Super weird.
Of course, last week I was referring to a feeling of deja vu from two weeks ago, when I had really strong deja vu at the library. You were with me then, too. Remember? I was in the library talking about deja vu and... Holy moly, this is weird. Do you think we’re stuck inside some kind of time loop? Like Groundhog’s Day?
Wow, intense. It seems like every time we get together, you start talking about planning your wedding, and then I mention feeling deja vu about having felt deja vu during our previous visit, when you were also talking about planning your wedding.
I mean, what are the odds that I would always experience the same, recurring deja vu about feeling deja vu? And, that it would always interrupt you blathering on about how stressful it is to plan a wedding? It’s not like we could be having the same exact conversation every time we’ve seen each other for the past seven months since you got engaged. That’d be too extreme of a coincidence. Right?
Wait, where are you going? Are you stomping away in a huff? Again? Weird. Deja vu.
Wedding Gift Ideas
In honor of the royal wedding, I've decided to list off my favorite wedding gifts to give/receive.
Because, let’s face it, wedding registries are weird and transactional. That’s why you’re allowed up to a year from the day of the wedding to think of something awesome. At that point, of course, you can give up trying and just buy the one pickle fork and one corn-on-the-cob holder left on the registry.
But, that all changes right here and right now, goddamnit! Because, you’ve got me on your side. And, besides being the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, I’m also in the top ten wedding gifters. Fine, top twenty.
My favorite wedding gifts are:
An ice cream maker, which provides a helpful scapegoat to explain the post-wedding weight gain.
A large silver salad bowl. Have you ever eaten two pints of homemade ice cream out of a silver bowl? It makes you feel powerful.
Monogramed Slap Chop. Obviously.
An ornate picture frame to make any picture look beautiful, even the one of that doggy-looking flower girl. Jesus Christ, I hope she grows into those ears.
Some bullshit shaped like a heart. Honestly, this can be whatever.
A croquet set, unless the bride and groom are the kind of jerks who don’t like croquet, which are the worst kind of jerks.
A pet parrot! It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Responsibility. For eighty years.
Silver candlesticks. They’re not just for murder. You can use them to hold candles as well.
A KitchenAid mixer says to the couple, "Here's hoping that one day you'll have a kitchen big enough to store all this useless shit.”
A crystal vase. With proper pronunciation, please. We’re not animals.
A marble cheese tray. I take cheese far too seriously to serve it on some granite bullshit. Or wood, ugh.
Rosewood salad tongs. Salad-based gifts are like the life preserver you throw the couple during their post-wedding ice cream and cheese binges.
Ziplock baggies. C’mon, admit it---pretty useful.
Superglue. To repair that glass the groom accidentally stepped on at the end of the ceremony. I hope he wasn’t too embarrassed.
A gift certificate to a crib store. Thanks, Mom, we get it. WE GET IT ALREADY!
Matching aprons. Adorable! No wait, too adorable. Gross. Nevermind.
Something the groom might like. I'm just kidding.