Yelling
There are certain times when it’s appropriate to yell. Other times, not so much. Here’s a list of occasions to help you gauge when yelling might or might not be appropriate.
Time when yelling is appropriate:
- On a roller coaster
- At a sporting event
- During a car accident
- Engaging in non-violent protests
- Celebrating New Years
- While being murdered
- While battening down the hatches
- At the edge of the Grand Canyon
- Just as your dog tries to pee on the couch
- While operating a textile mill
- On a water slide
- During a stampede
- On a customer service call with Time Warner
- When tossing the hero his dropped sword
- Falling off a ladder
- Professing your love from a rooftop
- On a jetway
- Thanksgiving with Republicans
- While receiving electroshock therapy
- Riding Falkor
- Trapped at the bottom of a well
Times when yelling is not appropriate:
- At a funeral
- In a neonatal intensive care ward
- At a nice restaurant where I was trying to have a pleasant dinner with my wife and our good friend Jesse. I’m looking at you, large peroxided lady wearing leopard print at Vinegar Hill House in Brooklyn last night between the hours of 7:30 and 9:30pm. You know, you were with a group of similar-looking ladies having a good time, which is great. But, holy shit, you’ve got the loudest voice I’ve ever heard ever, and your anecdotes weren’t really charming enough to share with the entire restaurant. That’s why your friends kept talking over you, making you feel the need to raise your voice even more. For reals, though, shut the fuck up.
