Rumors of Roid Rage
I’ve called this press conference today to state definitively that I, Andy Ross comedy writer, am not on steroids. I have not now, nor have I ever taken steroids. Despite all evidence pointing towards me being on steroids.
First off, my testicles have always been this small. My mother says that small testicles run in our family. But, she did let me spend all day, every day on a rocking horse until I was 10. There might be something there.
Secondly, the hair growth in odd patches in odd places. That one’s weird. I admit that. But, my hope is that hair growth is simply part of the aging process, and I am plucking wherever I can reach.
Thirdly, I admit to a disturbing increase in forehead acne, which points towards steroid abuse. However, this one has a straightforward explanation. I recently found that unsalted butter is the only thing that makes my bangs stand up the way I like. There’s nothing more to it that plain ol’ butter bangs.
Finally, the fits of seeming "roid rage." Okay, I know that I got pretty upset earlier, but it’s just that I couldn’t find any postage stamps in the apartment. Even though I just bought a whole entire goddamn package of stamps last FUCKING TUESDAY! AND, THERE’S NO GODDAMN WAY WE COULD HAVE USED THAT MANY STAMPS BY NOW! … Sorry. I’m sorry. Pardon the, uh, outburst. I just— this stamp thing is one of my buttons, y’know?
So, in conclusion, I swear to you in the press and to my fans that I am not now, nor have I ever been under the effect of steroids. The added body mass is just because we got an ice cream maker for Christmas. I will not be taking any questions. Thank you, and God bless America.
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