Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

My Fancy House

Posted on April 21, 2010

Fancy House

Welcome to my home!

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[Text of the above audio.]

Well, hello! Welcome to my fancy house. It’s very fancy. Please, join me in the foyer, which is French for “fancy entryway.”  Ah, I see you’ve noticed the marble floors. Yes, how very, very fancy. And, what’s this above us? A chandelier? Why, that’s French for “chandelier.”

Ah, and ahead, two spiral staircases both leading to the same place. How very, very fancy! They were built by my contractor, Roy. Roy, say hello to the people.

[Roy] Yeah, um so … Yeah, sure, this guy asked me to build him a real fancy house. And, y’know, he drew this picture on a napkin, and it looked like if a castle had a baby with the Acropolis. I mean, there were columns and a moat. It was kinda weird at first that he wanted everything to be white and marble. And, I told him I don’t make marble roofs, because they don’t—

Ha ha ha! Yes, Roy, that’s very interesting, but you’re blocking their view of the fountain. A fountain indoors? How very fancy! Ah, I see you’ve noticed that the fountain has putti, which is Italian for “tiny naked angels” all peeing on that seahorse. How very, very fancy.

And, what’s behind it? Why, it’s a mural on the wall called trompe l’oeil, which is French for “fool the eye.” It’s a painting, but it looks like a window—a window that looks out onto a Greek seaside. But, we’re not in Greece! We’re in my house! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Not for long, though. Why don’t we take a walk outside and see it from the outside? And, we’re walking together. Walking, walking, walking, walking, ha ha ha ha, walking, walking. And, we’re outside looking at the lawn. And, what’s that over there? Why it’s topiary, which is French for “fancy bushes.” And, look at that. A peacock, which is the fanciest bird. I ordered him from the SkyMall catalogue. He’s made out of cement, but he’s covered with the fanciest glass jewels.

Ah, I see you must be going now. Well, enjoy walking down my very fancy driveway. Take a look at my fancy mailbox. It looks like a lion trying to eat my mail! Ha ha ha ha! How very fancy.

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  1. Perhaps you would like have a regal peacock to go with your fancy one?

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