Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Get Rich Scheme

Posted on October 1, 2010

When I get rich, I'm gonna buy the biggest, lime greenest stretch limousine ever. Just the longest green limousine money can buy. People will see me and say, "Wow, look at that classy guy driving that long car! He must be a gazillionaire."

I'm gonna drive that limousine straight to the swimming pool store and buy the biggest, most expensive swimming pool they have. And, you know what it'll be shaped like? My lime green stretch limo, that's what. I already have the shape I want drawn out on the back of this pizza box.

Then, I'm gonna go out and get some business cards that have "Andy Ross: Zillionaire (but I bet you thought gazillionaire because of my limo)" printed on them. And, on each of my business cards? An embossed, lime green limousine.

"Why so much limo?" you ask. Well, it's all about creating a brand for yourself. Here, I'll give you an example:

I was watching Entertainment Tonight, waiting to see the world's fattest man get married, when I saw this rich lady on there. Everything in her house was cheetah stuff. The curtains were cheetah, the carpet was cheetah, the napkins were cheetah. Everything was cheetah. She had even gotten surgery to make her face look like a cheetah. It was gross. But, it was great branding!

Look at Donald Trump. Everything he owns is gold. Gold toilets, gold watches, gold other stuff. He knows that you're not truly rich until you're also famous. And, you need something to be famous for. He's famous for having gold stuff and firing people. I'm gonna be famous for my huge, lime green limousine.

I can’t wait to drive around in my limousine wearing a big fur coat and a top hat. And a monocle. They say to do what you love.

So, it's a four-step plan: Get rich, buy a limo, become famous, one day appear on Entertainment Tonight between segments about the celebrity colonics and a thing about kids born with no ears.

I think it's a pretty foolproof plan. I already own the monocle.

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