Spring Cleaning Tips
Spring has arrived, bringing longer days and brighter sunshine. Which means you can finally see how disgustingly filthy your apartment or house has gotten. Geez, what have you been doing all winter? It looks like a bomb went off in here. Months ago. Is that a dust bunny in the corner or a gray tennis ball? Super gross.
Here are a few helpful spring cleaning tips:
- Dust from the top of the room down. Unless you’re some kind of goofus.
- You’re going to require more than a single sheet of paper towel. Budget at least three, unless they’re those weird half-sheet ones. I’m not sure what the math would be then … six, maybe?
- To get to hard-to-reach ceiling corners, limit your Match.com search to men over six foot five.
- Natural cleaning supplies like vinegar or baking soda can prove very helpful in creating frustration.
- Fresh shelf liners will make your silverware look even more tarnished by comparison, so avoid fresh shelf liners.
- If you’re worried about letting all the cold air out of your refrigerator while you clean it, simply climb inside and shut the door behind you. If you start to feel woozy in there, a nap should help.
- Lint rollers are great for cleaning dust off lamp shades. And, hydrogen peroxide should remove most of the blood.
- To keep your toilet clean year-round, simply eat bits on non-digestible, synthetic sponge every day, and the rest will take care of itself.
- This is a good time to replace the batteries in that fire alarm that always goes off IN THE MIDDLE OF COOKING ANYTHING, GODDAMNIT!
- Don’t skimp on a chimney sweep. The British ragamuffin ones have tuberculosis.
- Squeegees can be super helpful in cleaning your windows. And, free squeegees are easy to find, especially because---for some weird reason---people are always forgetting theirs at gas pumps.
- This is also a good time to check to see if the carpet matches the drapes. By which, I mean you should vacuum both.
- Clean the nest of cockroaches out of your toaster oven, by simply submerging it in a bucket of rubbing alcohol for three hours. (This may void the warranty.)
- A deep-sleeping Persian cat is a great way to dust aluminum blinds.
- When cleaning your many fine decanters and antique apothecary bottles, try not being such an uptight asshole.
- Beware the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The dark arts are the Devil’s inroad.
- Melted candle wax on a mattress or upholstered sex swing can be removed by placing a brown paper bag over the wax and ironing it. The paper should absorb most of the re-melted wax.
So, there you go. Your cleaning adventure awaits!
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