Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Public Speaking Tips

Posted on October 3, 2011


Some people are naturally gifted public speakers. Me, for instance. Put me in front of a room full of strangers, and I'll just talk and talk and talk. About anything, really---the weather, Masonic conspiracies, which animals people look like, how sweaty I'm getting. I will literally never stop to take a breath or vomit into my mouth. That’s my level of comfort around crowds.

But, I understand that not everybody is as gifted at public speaking. Some people---if you can imagine---get nervous in front of large groups whom they rightly assume are judging their every word.

For those pathetic dumps, here are a few helpful tips for speaking in front of an audience:

- When looking out at the crowd, picture everyone in their underwear. This will deflate the tension. Unless the underwear is really sexy.

- Control your breathing. Try to breathe once for every four heartbeats, which you’ll probably feel pulsating inside in your head.

- Pick out one person in the audience, and imagine you are speaking to only him or her. Just don't say her name at the end of every sentence, especially if she’s your ex-wife.

- Carefully go over your list of talking points beforehand. You did remember to make annotated flashcards, right? RIGHT?!

- Plant your feet. Feel grounded. Don’t lock your knees, or you’ll pass out. But, don’t think too much about not locking your knees, or you will also pass out.

- Mark your speech with predetermined pauses. For swallowing and burps and whatnot.

- Remember: You’re the one holding the gun. That gives you all the power.

- Have a bottle of water handy in case of cottonmouth. Cheap gin works too.

- If one the hostages acts up, make an example of him right away. One heckler (or hysterical crier) can throw off the entire pace of a robbery.

- Lighten the mood up top with a joke or a silly walk.

- A bullhorn is a good idea, especially because the rubber Simpsons mask will muffle your voice.

- Know your audience. A little crowd work goes a long way. Is anyone there from out of town?

- Remember: Commands and demands. You’re never asking a police negotiator for anything; you’re telling him what he’s going to give you. Like a helicopter.

- You can always fall back on your note cards if you lose your place.

- If it goes past two hours, booby trap the air vents.

- Stay away from the windows.

- Did Johnny just use your real name? DID HE JUST SAY YOUR FUCKING NAME IN FRONT OF THE HOSTAGES?!!

- That’s it---Johnny’s become a liability. You shouldn’t have let your girlfriend talk you into bringing along her loser brother.

- Tape Johnny’s mouth underneath his mask and shove him outside with one of the Uzis and some C-4 strapped to him. While the cops are distracted with that, there’s a service tunnel leading down to an abandoned subway line. I’d say you have a four-minute head start.

- Don’t get tempted by the helicopter. That was just a stalling tactic.

- The Cossack has a passport waiting for you over by that one place near the piers. The one where we did that thing with the Armenians.

- There’s a van to take you to a private airfield upstate. The Cossack’s guy, Viktor, will do the count and the split on the way. You can trust him, but don’t stare at his missing thumb. He’s got a mean streak.

- After that, it’s a jump flight to Atlanta and then smooth sailing down to Bogota.

- I gotta stay behind to take care of a few things with that iPad shipment that went bad. But, I’ll meet you down there in a couple weeks. A girl I know works the bar at The Conejo Loco. She’ll set you up with a place.

- Don’t flash around any money. That place is crawling with cartel guys.

So, those are my helpful tips for public speaking. I know you get anxious talking in front of strangers, but you pull this job off and we’re set for life. Man, you won’t believe the pussy and blow down in Colombia. It's like fuckin' Heaven.

Now, go out there are break a leg.


Insomnia Advice

Posted on July 27, 2011


My asshole brain kept me up until 3:30am last night. (Fuck you, my brain.) And, one of the things it was cycling through was---I swear to god---tips on preventing insomnia. I think I'm broken somehow.

So, I guess here are some tips on getting to sleep. You hear that, brain? You win. You win, you smug bastard.

- Try turning off your television by 8pm and finish your evening with quiet reading. Ugh, just writing that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’m so sorry, TV. You know that deep down I love you more than sleep. You know that, right?

- Avoid caffeine after 5pm. Unless it’s in coffee ice cream form. Only monsters don't eat ice cream.

- Exercise at night to tire yourself out. Or maybe that’ll wake you up more. I wouldn’t know. I've never tried it, and I never will.

- Drink a glass of warm buttermilk right before bed. Buttermilk means milk with three fingers of rum in it, right?

- I know this is an old one, but try counting sheep jumping over a fence. Have you ever seen a sheep in real life to help you picture that? I haven’t in about fourteen years, so I just imagine fat Labradoodles.

- Keep a journal next to your bed to help you purge random thoughts. Of course, this might simply train you to keep thinking up random thoughts at night like SOME KIND OF HORRIBLE ASSHOLE! You hear that, brain? I'm calling you out, you asshole.

- Some people swear by masturbation. Never attempted it, myself. Seems icky.

- Try switching up your sleep outfit. I, for one, gave up pajamas and now sleep in Spanx and a white dinner jacket.

- Maybe come up with an internal mantra to calm you at night. Sub-tip: SHUT UP, BRAIN! THIS IS WHY NOBODY INVITES YOU TO PARTIES! is not an effective mantra.

- Money problems often keep people awake. Maybe think about going back in time and being born wealthy.

- Stop being such a little crybaby and walk it off. Rub some dirt on it, ya baby.

- Shut up. You’re the baby!

- No, you are! You shut up! YOU SHUT UP!

- Ooh, look who’s grumpy without his sleep. Are you gwumpy, you big baby?


- Wait, why are we even fighting? This isn’t between us. This is our brain’s fault. Hey, brain, you’re a real turd, y’know that, brain?

- Yeah, what he said. A turd.

- EVERYBODY, SHUT UP! This is your brain speaking. Nobody say another mean thing about me. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and yes, maybe I’ve been a little overactive at night. But, if you guys keep calling me an asshole or a turd or anything else butt-related, I’m going to get angry. And, if I get angry, I’ll retaliate by making you sexually attracted to gross, weirdo fetish stuff like squirrels or steampunk costumes. I’m talking full-on boner time whenever you see a squirrel. Am I understood?

- Yes.

- Yes, sir. Sorry.

- Alright, good. Now, I’m going to go back to obsessing over having misspoken to a pretty girl eight years ago. Please don’t bother me.

- We won’t. Sorry, sir.

- Stop sucking up to our brain, suck up.

- You stop sucking up!

- Owww, stop pinching me!


Astral Projection for Beginners

Posted on June 20, 2011

Me Twice

I sneezed really hard the other night and astral projected. It was unexpected.

I was super weirded out. Because, one minute I was alone in my apartment, and the next I was staring at this devilishly handsome, bearded fat guy. And, I thought to myself, “That pudgy man has the most piercing blue eyes I’ve ever… Wait a minute! That’s me!”

My soul had detached itself from my corporeal being. I was hovering above my body, watching myself eat potato chip after potato chip. I screamed, “STOP EATING POTATO CHIPS! Can’t you see what you’ve done to yourself?” But, my body couldn’t hear me. I tried to shake myself, but you can’t touch anything when you astral project.

Eventually, my body fell asleep after two more bags of potato chips and some very unappealing masturbation. I weaseled my soul back inside through my left ear. Ever since then, I’ve been able to leave my body at will.

It's been a fast learning curve, and I wanted to share some tips on astral projection for beginners. Here goes:

1) I can’t help you astral project the first time, so don’t ask. I did it with a real solid sneeze, but each person does it his or her own way. I read on wikipedia that some guy left his body after eating 200 lime popsicles. Another lady astral projects whenever she sees photos of chinchillas. So, I guess, just go try random stuff.

2) Your soul is very flammable. Try not to drift into candle flames or near power lines. Also, your sense of smell is heightened when outside your body, so everything kinda smells like farts.

3) You can go anywhere when you astral project, but watching ex-wives shower is not worth it. Usually they seem happier than you remember them being, which is odd and off-putting.

4) Try handcuffing your body to a radiator or sink before you astral project. It really can’t be trusted with itself. Mine bought a bunch of collectible Hellboy figurines off eBay.

5) Other galaxies are boring. They are.

6) Never try to see if you can fit your soul into an empty Coke bottle, because that bottle might tip over accidentally and roll against the wall, trapping your body inside until your cat comes along and jostles the mouth of the bottle away from the wall like five days later. This is a very important one to remember.

7) Possessing other people’s bodies might sound fun, and it is. It’s super awesome. One fun thing to do is to make news reporters swear on air. I made Ann Curry say the C-word.

8) Roombas are not you friends.

9) Sometimes I like just hanging out with my body. We don’t really talk or anything, but it’s nice to have somebody to watch Netflix with. Also, sometimes I astral project to see if I have any spinach in my teeth.

10) Stay away from other souls that are astral projecting. Most are clingy weirdos. I met this one guy whose body is in a coma in Brussels. He made me call his sister and tell her he loved her and was sorry about the thing he said before the motorcycle accident. Drama.

11) Try to have fun with it.

Sooooo, that’s what I’ve learned so far about astral projection. I hope that helps some of you guys. Remember: Don’t float inside any empty Coca-Cola bottles. Even on a dare. It’s not worth the risk.

Happy projecting!


Broken Phone Tips

Posted on April 20, 2011


Here are a few helpful tips on what to do when your smartphone breaks, organized into five easy stages:


- Ask yourself if this is a dream. Is this a dream? I mean, who drops their phone into a pot of boiling minestrone? Who does that?!

- Try drying off the battery with a hair dryer. It’s probably just that the battery shook loose, right? Right?

- Somebody once told me putting your phone in a bag of dried barley overnight can wick away the moisture. (Although, this sounds a little like black magic, so maybe hold off.)

- Hopefully all the info is synced onto your computer. Think of the last time you synced to your... I MEAN, WHO DROPS A PHONE INTO SOUP?!!


- Pace wildly in ever-tighter circles.

- Contemplate whether you believe in A) a spiteful God or B) no God.

- Call the TechGuys Store about repairing your phone. Hold up; their info was in your contacts list on your phone. DAMMIT! It’s a catch-42!

- Wait, 42 isn’t the right number. What’s the right number? Catch-44? Let me just Google it on my… DAMMIT!

- Call Charlie to ask if he can look up the TechGuys’ number one his smartphone. Also, ask him about the catch-42 thing. But... how are you going to call Charlie without a phone? Stupid Charlie!!!


- Check to see if you still have a landline. Where was that phone jack when you moved in? Behind the headboard? If you do have a phone line, maybe you can remember Charlie’s number.

- See someone walking outside the bedroom window with a smartphone. Yell out the window that you’ll give them $100 for their phone.

- Tell your neighbor you’ll only stop yelling if she lends you a bag of dried barley.


- Notice your hand is shaking from Twitter withdrawal.

- Sit in an empty bathtub for a while.

- Go ahead and eat the minestrone. Then some ice cream. Then something salty, to cut the sweetness. Maybe nachos. Or hummus.

- Or potato chips. Then more ice cream.

- Regret the final text you sent before dropping your phone. If only you’d known it was the last one, you wouldn’t have typed “LMAO.” So disrespectful.

- Sit fully-clothed under the running water in your shower.


- Take a long, hard look at your smartphone. It's no longer your phone; it's just an empty shell. Your real phone is out there in the network somewhere.

- Look around. Finally see your apartment for the first time in months. It’s filthy. With no Facebook available, you might as well clean up a little.

- Get eight hours of sleep for once. I guess it’s not that important that you beat your high score at Fruit Ninja.

- Wake up next to someone. Who is this person? Oh, it’s your spouse.

- Try to convince your spouse to stop reading his or her Kindle. Drag them away from it if you have to.

- Take a nice, leisurely morning walk together. Remember what freedom feels like.

- Pass by an AT&T Store. You might as well just pop in a get another phone.

- Sit on the curb and get in a few good tweets and maybe five or six rounds of Fruit Ninja.

- Mmmm… sweet, sweet smartphone. You feel so right.


Spring Cleaning Tips

Posted on March 22, 2011

Cleaning Supplies

Spring has arrived, bringing longer days and brighter sunshine. Which means you can finally see how disgustingly filthy your apartment or house has gotten. Geez, what have you been doing all winter? It looks like a bomb went off in here. Months ago. Is that a dust bunny in the corner or a gray tennis ball? Super gross.

Here are a few helpful spring cleaning tips:

- Dust from the top of the room down. Unless you’re some kind of goofus.

- You’re going to require more than a single sheet of paper towel. Budget at least three, unless they’re those weird half-sheet ones. I’m not sure what the math would be then … six, maybe?

- To get to hard-to-reach ceiling corners, limit your Match.com search to men over six foot five.

- Natural cleaning supplies like vinegar or baking soda can prove very helpful in creating frustration.

- Fresh shelf liners will make your silverware look even more tarnished by comparison, so avoid fresh shelf liners.

- If you’re worried about letting all the cold air out of your refrigerator while you clean it, simply climb inside and shut the door behind you. If you start to feel woozy in there, a nap should help.

- Lint rollers are great for cleaning dust off lamp shades. And, hydrogen peroxide should remove most of the  blood.

- To keep your toilet clean year-round, simply eat bits on non-digestible, synthetic sponge every day, and the rest will take care of itself.

- This is a good time to replace the batteries in that fire alarm that always goes off IN THE MIDDLE OF COOKING ANYTHING, GODDAMNIT!

- Don’t skimp on a chimney sweep. The British ragamuffin ones have tuberculosis.

- Squeegees can be super helpful in cleaning your windows. And, free squeegees are easy to find, especially because---for some weird reason---people are always forgetting theirs at gas pumps.

- This is also a good time to check to see if the carpet matches the drapes. By which, I mean you should vacuum both.

- Clean the nest of cockroaches out of your toaster oven, by simply submerging it in a bucket of rubbing alcohol for three hours. (This may void the warranty.)

- A deep-sleeping Persian cat is a great way to dust aluminum blinds.

- When cleaning your many fine decanters and antique apothecary bottles, try not being such an uptight asshole.

- Beware the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. The dark arts are the Devil’s inroad.

- Melted candle wax on a mattress or upholstered sex swing can be removed by placing a brown paper bag over the wax and ironing it. The paper should absorb most of the re-melted wax.

So, there you go. Your cleaning adventure awaits!


Surviving a Blizzard

Posted on January 26, 2011


So, these blizzard things keep coming down the pipeline. Has somebody angered Jack Frost? Was it me stealing his nose? I showed him it was just my thumb. [sigh] That guy.

Here are a few tips for surviving a blizzard:

– Stock up on essentials. Toilet paper, peanut butter, seasons one through three of Deadwood on Blu-Ray.

– Set aside at least two gallons of drinking water, in case you wanna have a water-drinking contest.

– Stockpile blankets. For building forts.

– DON'T PANIC! The walls only seem like they're closing in, because the room's oxygen is running out.

– Pay close attention to your local newscast's weather report. Also, after the break, they’ll answer whether or not your kids are safe from Chinese toys.

– Stay low and breath through a damp towel … Wait, that might be for fires. Meh, couldn’t hurt.

– If you can manage it, don’t drive your car. And, not just in an “I bike for the environment” kind of way. Seriously, you need to shut up about Critical Mass. We get it; cars are immoral. [Wanking motion followed by pretending to wax a handlebar mustache and then honking an imaginary bike horn.]

– Avoid Jack Nicholson impressions. It’s been done.

– Your landlord was probably lying to you about that fireplace not working. I say give it a go.

– Do not place a space heater next to curtains or your Victorian Oil Rag collection.

– Soup it up.

– Wear appropriate clothing. Are those last year’s jeggings? OMG, how embarrassing.

– I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; busting out old board games is a great way to spend the day trapped indoors. Because, one of the boxes might have weed hidden inside.

– Try to fly to Hawaii a few days before the blizzard starts.

– If the electricity goes out, somebody’s getting pregnant. I’m looking at you, anyone in the room with me.

– Keep candles or a hand-crank flashlight handy. [I’m still talking about getting you pregnant.]

– Hot cocoa bath.

– If you are one of my many bear or ground squirrel readers, try hibernating.

– According to romantic comedies, the fastest way to avoid hypothermia is to share naked body warmth with someone whom you outwardly hate though are secretly attracted to. [Still talking about getting you pregnant.]

That’s it. Good luck out there. It’s a real Snowmageddonpocalypse.


Travel Trips

Posted on January 6, 2011

Face it, winter is horrible, and it’s turning you into a grump-ass jerk. You should take a break and go somewhere nice and warm. For all of our sakes.

When you do, please follow these helpful tips for traveling:

- When traveling, wear clothes that make you feel like an adult human. Are you seriously wearing pajama pants and UGGs to the airport? Are you fucking serious right now?

- Be careful choosing a hotel. The ones spelled “hostel” are filled with vomiting Australian youths.

- If you get a deal on a vacation package that sounds too good to be true, prepare yourself for the possibility—the slightest possibility—that you’re about to be kidnapped and hunted for sport.

- Tip the bellhop one dollar for every bag or two dollars for every crate filled with live tigers.

- For overseas travel, buy a translation dictionary with common phrases you can wildly jab at once you give up trying to pronounce things.

- Did you double-check that the oven was off? Shoot, I should have asked that one first before you left. I hope that doesn’t make you obsessively nervous.

- Just because you’re on vacation it doesn’t mean you have to eat ice cream for every meal. At least, that’s some weird joke my wife keeps trying to tell me. I don’t get it.

- For security, hide a rolled up hundred dollar bill inside your shockingly deep bellybutton.

- The only cure for jet lag is to kill the jet that bit you.

- Remember the try the local cuisine. Maybe the McNuggets in Thailand are different that the ones where you live.

- Take a book. Beaches are a great place for reading while squinting.

- I heard from my friend Janice who heard from Elliot P who heard from his cousin that you can get pregnant from sitting in a hotel hot tub. For reals.

- Remember to take that rolled up hundred out of you bellybutton before it starts to smell like bellybutton.

- Unless you use every towel in the hotel bathroom, you lose.

- Souvenir t-shirts make great dusting rags after two years of never wearing them.

- If you use the phrase “whatever happens in blank stays in blank,” people will know that nothing interesting happened to you.


How to Miss an Eclipse

Posted on December 21, 2010

Lunar Eclipse

Across the history of mankind, eclipses have been occasions for hushed awe and reverence. Often occurring once in a lifetime, each eclipse is an important keystone in marking our brief yet significant existence against the vastness of celestial infinity.

Here are a few tips for forgetting to watch a lunar eclipse:

1) A week ahead, fully intend to watch the eclipse. Maybe clip out the newspaper's weather page and stick it to your fridge.

2) On Monday, absentmindedly place a takeout menu in front of that same newspaper clipping.

3) Have a hard day at work.

4) Come home having forgotten to pick up bread to go with soup. Run back out for bread.

5) Do laundry. Preferably reds or warm darks, as those have been piling up.

6) Crash in front of the TV. Watch a Netflix episode of some show that's supposedly good but actually terrible. It need only be totally, brainlessly watchable. Any show off Showtime will do, though I myself prefer something with a female spy and/or assassin.

7) Repeat the previous step several times. Wow, Eliza Dushku can really mangle exposition. Huh.

8) Feel guilty about leaving the dishes in the sink for your spouse.

9) Check in on Facebook for a few hours. Somehow avoid seeing references to the eclipse in four separate statuses.

10) Download a iPhone game involving zebras racing down water slides.

11) This is the most important step: Remain awake and fully dressed during the eclipse. Be too focused on your game of Wacky Rapidz to remember the eclipse is happening.

12) Fall into bed around 3am.

13) Wake up early the next morning and watch a news story about the eclipse while you brush your teeth.

14) Write your blog post on the train.


Beard Growing Tips

Posted on December 9, 2010


People often ask me how I grew such a lustrous, manly beard. It's probably the number one question I get after, "Are those your eyes, or did God open two windows to Heaven?"

Well, I'm here to tell you there are no secret tips to growing a perfect beard. Here are a few secret tips to grow a perfect beard:

- If you can, try to be born with a Y chromosome.

- At age 4, on an annual camping trip, wrestle a bear to the ground, saving your family from certain death. (I'm not sure if this is a hard-and-fast requirement. I'm simply writing what I know.)

- As a teenager, encourage your testosterone output with a daily regimen of manual testicle emptying. (Again, just writing what I know.)

- Your first three beards--much like your first three screenplays--are going to be absolute shit. Don't get discouraged.

- Regarding stubble, three words: exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate. I can't stress exfoliation enough. Be careful not to over-exfoliate.

- Examine your deeper motivation for growing a beard. A beard grown out of weakness or deceit will carry that negative energy with it forever.

- At day ten, a new beard will curl in and itch like crazy. Like goddamnit-to-fucking-hell crazy. To get past this, check your phonebook for local beard growing support groups.

- If you do have to itch your beard, always itch across the grain. Never against.

- If your wife or girlfriend questions your wisdom in growing a beard, ask yourself what else she's holding you back from achieving.

- A daily beard conditioner can help with texture and body. I get mine shipped from an 80-year-old artisanal beardist in New Zealand. But, you can buy over-the-counter beard conditioner at any of the more reputable beard salons in your city.

- If you need to look at a picture of me for motivation, that's understandable. But, please, no creepy shrines.

- For whatever reason, beards grown during hunting trips tend to come in fuller than those grown on fishing trips.

- At some point, you'll have to define the edges of your beard. [*This post is aimed only at full-beard growers. I consider goatee or mustache growers simply hobbyists.] I suggest creating a simple, clean border along your neck from one corner of your jaw to the other. Do not over-stylize your beard. No one can pull that off a chin-strap beard, unless he is a Persian prince.

- If your beard is red or blonde, do not enter any pie eating contests. You risk permanent berry stains.

- Visualize your future self with a powerful, Viking-like beard. Try this: You're walking down the street. You see a man in a shop window. His thick, wavy beard broadcasts a sense of wisdom and sexual prowess. He stands tall and holds his head high. Look closer. That man in the shop window is a reflection. That man is you.

- Finally, this one might be obvious, but mother of pearl beard combs only.

That's it for beard growing tips. Next week we'll move on to tips for a rakish smile and penetrating gaze.


Lie Detector Test

Posted on November 4, 2010

Thank you for purchasing Andy Ross’s How to Be Awesome Correspondence Course. If you are listening to this cassette tape, that means you have completed Lesson One: Blowing Smoke Rings and also Lesson Two: Nunchucks.

Welcome, now, to Lesson Three: How to Fake Out a Lie Detector Test.

Everyone knows that lie detector tests are totally fake and stupid. That’s why they’re not admissible in court. (I know that for sure, because I offered to take a lie detector test to prove that I didn’t steal that garden gnome, but the stupid judge wouldn’t let me.) So, everybody knows lie detectors are B.S., except the people who still use them. Like the FBI or suspicious girlfriends or junk.

Is it possible to fake out a lie detector machine? You bet your ass it is. And, since your check or money order has cleared, I’ll tell you the secret: It’s all about messing with the baseline readings.

Every lie detector session starts out by establishing a baseline of your physical responses to simple questions. Like, “What year is it?” or “Are you a duck?” After asking basic questions, the lie detector technician compares all your later readings to those first ones.

Here’s how to crunk up those baselines:

1) The thumbtack trick. Spies are taught to mess up the baseline question by putting a thumbtack inside their shoe. And, whenever they answer any question, true or not, they step down on the tack. Boom, their nervous system goes apeshit, and the needle jumps equally every time. That’s some real James Bond shit right there.

If you don’t have a thumbtack handy, like because you’re in the jungle doing karate or something, you can try this…

2) Change the “truth.” Truth is all in the eye of the beholder, right? So, if they ask you the year, you can say 2010. But, in your head you can know that you’re lying. Because, according to the Mayan calendar, it’s some totally different date that I don’t feel like looking up on Wikipedia right now.

Or, let’s say they ask you your name. Just change your name before you take the test. You can do that at the Social Security office. I’m pretty sure the first time is free. Just don’t change it to Andy Ross, because I’m already googling really poorly, and I don’t need the competition.

I’m serious. If you think you’re funny by changing your name to my name, I’ll show up at your house with my nunchucks. We’ll see who’s laughing then.

3) Get your heart rate up. This one’s easy. Remember the pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Ah ha! See? Your heart rate is up already.

4) Become a Level 5 Zen Master. This one takes awhile. Not for me. But, for somebody like you, it’ll take years to have total mental control over your physical being. I wouldn’t recommend this one for beginners.

5) Use finger quotes. There’s nothing illegal about using finger quotes to turn any potential lie into merely sarcasm.

The thing is that you have to use air quotes for every answer, true or false. ‘Cause, if you just use them for the lies, the technician catches on. I learned that one the hard way when mall security asked me who was spitting in all the Jamba Juice cups when I worked at Jamba Juice.

6) Storm out. Pretty self-explanatory. Just pretend you have morals and that lie detector tests are “beneath you.” I mean, if we can’t trust each other as a society, where are we? Try to knock something over on your way out in order to make your point.

So, yeah, those are your tips for beating a lie detector. Good luck, and remember to carry around a thumbtack if you can.

The next lesson in the series will be Lesson Four: Sliding Across the Hood of a Car, Starsky and Hutch-Style. Expect your next cassette in like a month or two, because I’m real busy doing some other stuff right now.

Now, get out there and be awesome.

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