Broken Phone Tips
Here are a few helpful tips on what to do when your smartphone breaks, organized into five easy stages:
STAGE ONE
- Ask yourself if this is a dream. Is this a dream? I mean, who drops their phone into a pot of boiling minestrone? Who does that?!
- Try drying off the battery with a hair dryer. It’s probably just that the battery shook loose, right? Right?
- Somebody once told me putting your phone in a bag of dried barley overnight can wick away the moisture. (Although, this sounds a little like black magic, so maybe hold off.)
- Hopefully all the info is synced onto your computer. Think of the last time you synced to your... I MEAN, WHO DROPS A PHONE INTO SOUP?!!
STAGE TWO
- Pace wildly in ever-tighter circles.
- Contemplate whether you believe in A) a spiteful God or B) no God.
- Call the TechGuys Store about repairing your phone. Hold up; their info was in your contacts list on your phone. DAMMIT! It’s a catch-42!
- Wait, 42 isn’t the right number. What’s the right number? Catch-44? Let me just Google it on my… DAMMIT!
- Call Charlie to ask if he can look up the TechGuys’ number one his smartphone. Also, ask him about the catch-42 thing. But... how are you going to call Charlie without a phone? Stupid Charlie!!!
STAGE THREE
- Check to see if you still have a landline. Where was that phone jack when you moved in? Behind the headboard? If you do have a phone line, maybe you can remember Charlie’s number.
- See someone walking outside the bedroom window with a smartphone. Yell out the window that you’ll give them $100 for their phone.
- Tell your neighbor you’ll only stop yelling if she lends you a bag of dried barley.
STAGE FOUR
- Notice your hand is shaking from Twitter withdrawal.
- Sit in an empty bathtub for a while.
- Go ahead and eat the minestrone. Then some ice cream. Then something salty, to cut the sweetness. Maybe nachos. Or hummus.
- Or potato chips. Then more ice cream.
- Regret the final text you sent before dropping your phone. If only you’d known it was the last one, you wouldn’t have typed “LMAO.” So disrespectful.
- Sit fully-clothed under the running water in your shower.
STAGE FIVE
- Take a long, hard look at your smartphone. It's no longer your phone; it's just an empty shell. Your real phone is out there in the network somewhere.
- Look around. Finally see your apartment for the first time in months. It’s filthy. With no Facebook available, you might as well clean up a little.
- Get eight hours of sleep for once. I guess it’s not that important that you beat your high score at Fruit Ninja.
- Wake up next to someone. Who is this person? Oh, it’s your spouse.
- Try to convince your spouse to stop reading his or her Kindle. Drag them away from it if you have to.
- Take a nice, leisurely morning walk together. Remember what freedom feels like.
- Pass by an AT&T Store. You might as well just pop in a get another phone.
- Sit on the curb and get in a few good tweets and maybe five or six rounds of Fruit Ninja.
- Mmmm… sweet, sweet smartphone. You feel so right.
Your Arm Might Be Broken
Honey, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m pretty sure your arm is broken. I know you think it’s not broken, but just weighing the evidence, it seems like it’s broken.
For one thing, it didn’t used to bend that way. It used to bend just at the elbow. And, then, only within a 180 degree limit. Also, before, when you gave “two thumbs up,” your thumbs would point in the same direction.
Secondly, I heard a distinct, loud crack when you fell. You said at the time it was the sound of the wicker chair you had been standing on. But, I’ve since examined the chair carefully, and it doesn’t appear broken. Your arm, though—that seems super broken.
I don’t remember much bone being visible before you fell. I could be mistaken, but I pretty sure all bone was safely on the inside your arm. Now, however, that bit of jaggedy stuff near your sleeve … I’m not a doctor, but that’s for sure bone.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m super grateful you got a head start hanging Halloween lights this year. And, I understand getting the ladder down from the garage takes much longer than simply setting a wicker chair on top of the picnic table. But, maybe get used to the idea that your arm might be broken.
No rush. It’s been a week. I’m sure whatever’s done is done by this point. Take some time to admit to yourself that you might need to see a doctor about it.
All I ask is that you sit out of this second round of flag football. You keep fainting from the pain, and it’s making everybody nervous.