Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Beard Growing Tips

Posted on December 9, 2010


People often ask me how I grew such a lustrous, manly beard. It's probably the number one question I get after, "Are those your eyes, or did God open two windows to Heaven?"

Well, I'm here to tell you there are no secret tips to growing a perfect beard. Here are a few secret tips to grow a perfect beard:

- If you can, try to be born with a Y chromosome.

- At age 4, on an annual camping trip, wrestle a bear to the ground, saving your family from certain death. (I'm not sure if this is a hard-and-fast requirement. I'm simply writing what I know.)

- As a teenager, encourage your testosterone output with a daily regimen of manual testicle emptying. (Again, just writing what I know.)

- Your first three beards--much like your first three screenplays--are going to be absolute shit. Don't get discouraged.

- Regarding stubble, three words: exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate. I can't stress exfoliation enough. Be careful not to over-exfoliate.

- Examine your deeper motivation for growing a beard. A beard grown out of weakness or deceit will carry that negative energy with it forever.

- At day ten, a new beard will curl in and itch like crazy. Like goddamnit-to-fucking-hell crazy. To get past this, check your phonebook for local beard growing support groups.

- If you do have to itch your beard, always itch across the grain. Never against.

- If your wife or girlfriend questions your wisdom in growing a beard, ask yourself what else she's holding you back from achieving.

- A daily beard conditioner can help with texture and body. I get mine shipped from an 80-year-old artisanal beardist in New Zealand. But, you can buy over-the-counter beard conditioner at any of the more reputable beard salons in your city.

- If you need to look at a picture of me for motivation, that's understandable. But, please, no creepy shrines.

- For whatever reason, beards grown during hunting trips tend to come in fuller than those grown on fishing trips.

- At some point, you'll have to define the edges of your beard. [*This post is aimed only at full-beard growers. I consider goatee or mustache growers simply hobbyists.] I suggest creating a simple, clean border along your neck from one corner of your jaw to the other. Do not over-stylize your beard. No one can pull that off a chin-strap beard, unless he is a Persian prince.

- If your beard is red or blonde, do not enter any pie eating contests. You risk permanent berry stains.

- Visualize your future self with a powerful, Viking-like beard. Try this: You're walking down the street. You see a man in a shop window. His thick, wavy beard broadcasts a sense of wisdom and sexual prowess. He stands tall and holds his head high. Look closer. That man in the shop window is a reflection. That man is you.

- Finally, this one might be obvious, but mother of pearl beard combs only.

That's it for beard growing tips. Next week we'll move on to tips for a rakish smile and penetrating gaze.


My Handsomeness

Posted on October 5, 2010

Wait, am I going to keep getting handsomer and handsomer? Really? That doesn't seem right. Yet, every morning in the mirror, there's the proof staring back at my handsome face.

My laugh lines are getting laughier. And, my chiseled jawline has become more chiseled. I swear my smile twinkles with even more rakish charm than just last week. It has to level out at some point. Right? I mean … right?

Yet, I can't see any signs of my handsomeness slowing down. Here, look at this chart:

Handsomeness Index

See? There's a definite upturn in the last few years.

What happens if I never stop getting handsomer? At some point, my handsomeness might reach dangerous levels. Will these piercing blue eyes become too piercing? My lips too kissable? Will my nose become too noble, too regal? I worry … But, darn it, even these worried wrinkles make me look more pensively attractive!

Damn you, Fate, for making me your culminating masterpiece! DAMN YOU!!! The burden is too much to bear, even on these naturally broad shoulders—shoulders at once both masculine and comforting.

I’ve tried to slow the process of handsome-ifying. I changed my facial moisturizing regimen to every other day. I’ve bought store brand beard conditioner. I’ve allowed people to see me wearing my reading glasses. Nothing seems to work. The only thing that’s happened is that my handsomeness has morphed into rugged handsomeness.


I’m sorry. It seems there’s nothing I can do to stave off the inevitable. If you see me walking down the street, please avert you eyes. I don’t need your pity. Nor your wolf whistles.