Insomnia Advice
My asshole brain kept me up until 3:30am last night. (Fuck you, my brain.) And, one of the things it was cycling through was---I swear to god---tips on preventing insomnia. I think I'm broken somehow.
So, I guess here are some tips on getting to sleep. You hear that, brain? You win. You win, you smug bastard.
- Try turning off your television by 8pm and finish your evening with quiet reading. Ugh, just writing that makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’m so sorry, TV. You know that deep down I love you more than sleep. You know that, right?
- Avoid caffeine after 5pm. Unless it’s in coffee ice cream form. Only monsters don't eat ice cream.
- Exercise at night to tire yourself out. Or maybe that’ll wake you up more. I wouldn’t know. I've never tried it, and I never will.
- Drink a glass of warm buttermilk right before bed. Buttermilk means milk with three fingers of rum in it, right?
- I know this is an old one, but try counting sheep jumping over a fence. Have you ever seen a sheep in real life to help you picture that? I haven’t in about fourteen years, so I just imagine fat Labradoodles.
- Keep a journal next to your bed to help you purge random thoughts. Of course, this might simply train you to keep thinking up random thoughts at night like SOME KIND OF HORRIBLE ASSHOLE! You hear that, brain? I'm calling you out, you asshole.
- Some people swear by masturbation. Never attempted it, myself. Seems icky.
- Try switching up your sleep outfit. I, for one, gave up pajamas and now sleep in Spanx and a white dinner jacket.
- Maybe come up with an internal mantra to calm you at night. Sub-tip: SHUT UP, BRAIN! THIS IS WHY NOBODY INVITES YOU TO PARTIES! is not an effective mantra.
- Money problems often keep people awake. Maybe think about going back in time and being born wealthy.
- Stop being such a little crybaby and walk it off. Rub some dirt on it, ya baby.
- Shut up. You’re the baby!
- No, you are! You shut up! YOU SHUT UP!
- Ooh, look who’s grumpy without his sleep. Are you gwumpy, you big baby?
- STOP CALLING ME A BABY!!!!
- Wait, why are we even fighting? This isn’t between us. This is our brain’s fault. Hey, brain, you’re a real turd, y’know that, brain?
- Yeah, what he said. A turd.
- EVERYBODY, SHUT UP! This is your brain speaking. Nobody say another mean thing about me. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and yes, maybe I’ve been a little overactive at night. But, if you guys keep calling me an asshole or a turd or anything else butt-related, I’m going to get angry. And, if I get angry, I’ll retaliate by making you sexually attracted to gross, weirdo fetish stuff like squirrels or steampunk costumes. I’m talking full-on boner time whenever you see a squirrel. Am I understood?
- Yes.
- Yes, sir. Sorry.
- Alright, good. Now, I’m going to go back to obsessing over having misspoken to a pretty girl eight years ago. Please don’t bother me.
- We won’t. Sorry, sir.
- Stop sucking up to our brain, suck up.
- You stop sucking up!
- Owww, stop pinching me!
Lack of Sleep
This might be the lack of sleep talking, but I'm very grumpy and cold. There's not enough sunshine out. Also, my eyelids are heavy, and everything is stupid, and I hate everything. Again, that might be the lack of sleep talking.
Why did you let me stay up so late reading celebrity gossip blogs? I thought we talked about this. If you let me stay up late, I'm going to be grumpy in the morning, and that'll make you grumpy. Why would you want to make yourself grumpy? I'm so mad at you for doing that.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't take it out on you. It's not your fault that I'm upset; it's my lack of sleep. Also this lady walking ahead of us. Why is she walking so slowly?!! JESUS CHRIST, LADY!
Whoa, short fuse. I've got a short fuse this morning. I apologize. I'm sure everything will be better once I get some coffee and once I shove this old lady out of the way. What? Whad'ya mean I can't push an old lady? Why are you being so difficult?
I swear, if I had gotten more sleep or if I was in a better mood, you would let me push that old woman into a snow bank. You're so mean to me when I'm tired---never letting me push old ladies or yell at cars. I don't know why you have to be so cruel. When I'm fully rested, you never seem cruel at all. But, when I'm sleepy and grumpy---that's when you become a mean jerkpants.
Goddamnit I'm so tired.
You know what? That was out of line. I should never have called you a poopy-face jerkpants. Let's go back to bed for a few hours, and when we wake up, I can make it up to you. Also, let's quit our jobs so that we don't have to get up early anymore.
I think this is a good plan. I think this plan is gonna work out great. The first step, though, is turning around and going back to our nice warm bed---
Owww, stop pulling my arm towards the subway! You're being unreasonable!