Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Friends Growing Apart

Posted on February 18, 2011

I think my friend Janet’s baby and I are starting to grow apart.

I don’t know---we used to have so much in common. We both enjoyed lying on our backs and staring at the ceiling. We liked the jangly sounds my house keys made. And, we’d both giggled at our own farts.

Plus---and this is what was so great---we had reached that point in our friendship where we could just sit and be quiet around each other. You know when you get to the level where you don’t have to fill every silence? That’s huge.

But, people change.

Now it’s talk talk talk. Janet’s baby babbles on and on. Blah blah blah. And, it’s never about anything real or substantial. Just vapid small talk. “Ooh doggy! Doggy! Doggy! Arf arf, doggy!”

What is that? I mean, if we have to talk about something, can’t it be something we’re both interested in? Yes, a good conversation can be invigorating, but one-sided conversations like that are sooo tiring.

And, we always have to be going somewhere. This guy, he’s always toddling around at full speed, and it’s up to me to keep up. First it’s this side of the living room, then it’s that side. Then it’s the kitchen or the laundry room. Do you know people like that? It’s always on to the next hot spot, the next cool thing.

That’s not the friend I knew. The friend I knew used to squirm from the rug to the couch over the course of a whole afternoon, and that was a fine pace for me. Seriously, our hang out sessions used to move along at a crawl.

Plus, we’re not into the same activities anymore. Like me, I’m into chilling out, having a cocktail, playing the new version of You Don’t Know Jack on the Wii.

This baby, all he wants to do is open drawers and put tennis balls inside. That’s cool; I’m happy to do that for awhile. For awhile. But, he always wants to open and shut drawers. He never wants to play Wii. Or, if he does, he just bangs the controller on a pan or something. So selfish.

I’m really worried about all this. I mean, it’s fine to grow apart from friends. But, my good friend Janet from college is the one who introduced me to this guy. If I tell him we shouldn’t hang out anymore, will that jeopardize my relationship with Janet? I mean, this dude is super clingy with her. And vice versa.

I guess I could look past it and try to get along better with Janet’s baby. He’s still really cool in a lot of ways---he never talks about politics, he shares his Cheerios, he smells nice.

But, this whole thing with him and his pulling the cat’s tail … I don’t know. I guess we’re just at different stages in our lives.


Let’s Steal A Baby!

Posted on May 3, 2010

Honey, I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now, and I think we’re ready. We’ve been married for three years, and let’s face it; we’re not getting any younger. I think it’s time we steal a baby.

Let’s just do it. Our folks keep bugging us about grandkids, and maybe they’re right. Mike and Danielle, Ryan and Pauline, Ben and Jessica—they’ve all started families. It’s time we bite the bullet, steal a baby, and raise it as our own.

I know you’re worried about money and our careers. I’m only pulling so much in kiting checks, and you’re still getting the hang of rolling old men behind your strip club. But, who said you have to be absolutely 100% prepared before you can bring a child into your lives?

I think we’re in a good place, a place where we’re mature and emotionally ready to walk into a maternity ward and kidnap a cute little bundle of joy. I’ve already thought of a few names. If it’s a boy—Dillinger. If it’s not a boy—Rockstar. Or Lil’ Slugger. That was my grandmother’s name.

Listen, I love you, and I know you would make an incredibly nurturing mother/abductor. Remember the time that balloon of coke popped in my colon? You were so gentle and caring, and you had the maternal instincts to take me to that corrupt vet, Viggo. I’m sure he could recommend a good, corrupt pediatrician.

I don’t care what kind of baby we steal, as long as it had 10 fingers and 10 toes. And, if it comes already in its own car seat, that would be great, because those things are expensive.

What do you say, Honey? Are you ready to steal a baby with me?

I hope it has your nose.