Preventing Bed Bugs
A lot of people think the only way you can get bed bugs is by having sex with a bedbug or sharing a dirty needle with a bed bug. Wrong. You can catch bed bugs from anywhere--offices, hotels, girls named Jessica. They're unavoidable. Here are a few tips for avoiding bed bugs:
- If you hear yourself saying the words, "Hey, free mattress!" stop and count to ten. Is that free curb mattress worth getting bed bugs? It might be. Depends on the mattress.
- Subways and cabs are perfect carriers for bed bugs. Never leave your house.
- Put thrift store purchases in your freezer for a week to kill any bed bugs. Don’t worry, that yellow velour trench coat will still be awesome next week.
- Take apart your bed frame every night and shake it out the window.
- Bed bugs don't just live in your bed—they often live in your picture frames. Sorry, photo of grandma, you gotta go.
- I think it’s time to finally start washing your clothes.
- Bed bugs can live for a year without eating. That one’s more of a trivia fact than a tip, but it’s pretty interesting, right?
- Bed bugs like dark, warm nooks and crannies. Tape up all your crannies.
- Constantly blast Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman at all hours. Bed bugs hate that song.
- If you stay at a hotel where the staff is itchy and grumpy, wear your scuba wetsuit to bed.
- When travelling, never set your suitcase down onto a pile of bed bugs.
- Buy a plastic mattress cover. If you’re embarrassed to tell the store clerk about bed bugs, just tell him you’re incontinent.
- Vacuum often in erratic patterns the bed bugs can’t predict.
- When a friend tells you she has bed bugs, she is no longer your friend. She’s something else. Remove the head or destroy the brain.
- When renting a new place, check the Internet for bed bug complaints. Try not to get distracted by all the pornography online, otherwise you’ll never …
