People I Won’t Lend To
What follows is a careful, annotated list of friends and acquaintances whom I will no longer lend things to. I call them “The Lendless,” sad souls wandering the earth without hope of borrowing any of my cool stuff. I’ve got a lot of cool stuff to lend—CDs, art books, a rubber horse mask, a hammock—tons of cool stuff. But, these people can never again borrow anything from me for the following reasons:
Brian B. – Borrowed my comb on picture day in the 5th Grade. Never returned it.
Peter – Lost my copy of the Scorpions’ The Best of Scorpions.
Stephanie O. – Returned a book with a chocolate thumbprint on the title page. I hope it was chocolate.
Greg F. – Inadequately grateful for my lending him a sleeping bag.
Paul W. – Tried to replace my hammer with a cheaper hammer and thought I wouldn’t notice. I noticed, Paul. I noticed.
Jenny R. – Returned my bicycle all wet on a day it didn’t rain. Super weird.
Jeff A. – Asked to wear one of my sweatshirts at my rooftop party. Got compliments on looking better in it than me.
Henry – Borrowed my car to drive his wife to the hospital. Allowed her to give birth in my car, staining the upholstery.
Carrie W. – Returned my mouse pad too quickly. What, is my mouse pad not good enough to keep?
Charlie H. – Borrowed a kitchen knife. Framed me for a series of murders.
Brian B. (again) – Turned an awesome caterpillar I lent him into a girly butterfly.
Alice – I lent her a college textbook. Months later, she punched me in the face for cheating on her.
Liam – Borrowed a pair of dress shoes for a job interview. Returned them filled with olives.
Nellie – I don’t like how she says “totally” too often.
Catherine S. – Borrowed a paintbrush. Framed me for a series of paintbrush-related murders.
Annie R. – Borrowed a cup of sugar and re-loaned it to a guy I don’t like. (Paul W.)
Richard P. – Wasted my bone marrow transplant by not pulling through.
