Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Quitting Smoking

Posted on April 11, 2011


I’ve never smoked. But, I’m a pretty cocky guy, so I figure I can come up with ways to help other people quit smoking. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s not like cigarettes are addictive or anything. Not like these gummi worms. Oh my god, these things are amazing!!!

Here are some tips to help you smokers quit being that:

- Set a date that you’ll quit by. Then, send yourself an expensive letterpress save-the-date for that upcoming day. You don’t want to have wasted all that letterpress money, do you? That’s 90 lb. linen cardstock.

- Cut back gradually. Quitting cold turkey simply doesn’t work, you goof.

- Quit cold turkey. You’re never going to quit if you keep smoking, goofus.

- Replace you oral fixation. Try sucking on something more socially acceptable. [Raises eyebrows suggestively and then winces in preparation for a slap to the face.]

- Carry a picture of your family. Remember, you’re quitting smoking so that you’ll be healthy enough to run away from your current family and find a new, better family.

- Avoid old “smoking buddies.” Especially Dirty Pete. That guy is no good, I tell you. HE’S NO GOOD!

- Visualize. Picture yourself on a deserted island. There are no more cigarettes. There’s nothing to smoke, so you are no longer a smoker. Wait, what’s this? A human skull?! Oh no! This must be one of those head hunter islands. Quick, start crafting coconut bombs and tiger pits. To the treehouse!

- Reward yourself. With constant workplace bathroom masturbation.

- Deep breathing. Just as when dealing with stress, take ten seconds to slowly breathe in and then out. NEVER OUT AND THEN IN!!

- Exercise. Not only will it help get you breathing again, but when you get in shape, people will want to have sex with you. Then who cares about smoking?

- Substitute. Whenever you feel like smoking a cigarette, try a baby carrot instead. They’re nearly impossible to light. Wacka wacka wacka. Wait, who just said wacka wacka wacka? Is somebody making fun of my advice? This is serious, you guys.

- Nicotine replacement. Try replacing cigarettes with nicotine gum or the patch or heroin.

- Clean your house. Getting rid of old ashtrays and lingering cigarette smells will help you avoid those triggers. Also, that macaroni stain has been on your couch for two years now. It’s probably time you took care of that.

- Find a buddy. There’s no need to try to do this all on your own. Here, when you’re feeling cravings, put your head in my lap. [Raises eyebrows suggestively and then winces in preparation for a slap to the face.]

That’s it. If you need any more tips to help you quit smoking, I’m sure I can come up with a bunch. I’ve got tons of opinions about everything. Even stuff I have no experience with. I’m super helpful in that way.