Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

My Supporters

Posted on July 28, 2010

I've always been lucky to have had warm, supportive people around me. People who encouraged my self-confidence. Growing up, I remember my parents complimenting me on my suave mannerisms. "Smooth move, Exlax," they'd say. Exlax was my nickname, because I was "extremely relaxing," I guess.

Or, if I didn't know something or misunderstood a fact, they'd call me Einstein. It was to show me that even Einstein didn't know everything. Life is about striving to learn more each day. As in, "Learn to tie you shoes, Einstein."

When I got glasses, my family made me feel good about what could have been embarrassing. They pointed out that I now essentially had "four eyes." Like some kind of super hero. My folks had a lot of nicknames for me over the years.

In school, too, I had a lot of positive reinforcement. Even though I wasn't the best at sports, my gym coach would call out, "Way to whiff it, Ross!" Or, "Nice fumble!" He must have seen my potential. That's why he'd put me in the far back of the field, so that I could catch the most important catches.

Today, I still have supportive people around me. My wife is always saying, "I'm soooo glad you decided to buy this broken ass coffee pot. It makes my life sooo much easier." I was concerned it had actually made her life harder, but her kind words set me straight.

Also, when I'm worried about how I look, she'll calm me with something like, "Wow, that shirt doesn't me you look like a retarded fat ass at all." She's so sweet.

I guess I'm saying that we should all remember to share kind words with each other. Words like “doy” and “ka-duhhh!” It shows we care.


[Author's note: Even though this is clearly a joke, I have the overriding need to point out that my parents were/are the warmest, most loving people in the world. And, my wife is nothing but supportive and lovely and wonderful. There, I said it.]


Your Eyes Are Like…

Posted on July 16, 2010

Your eyes are like deep azure pools reflecting a thousand, glittering fireflies. Your lips are like delicate rose petals, damp from the morning dew. Your hair is like if spaghetti and a spider web had a baby—in a good way—long like spaghetti but soft like a cobweb. So, like silk, I guess.

Your back is like a rolling sand dune made out of marshmallow fluff. Your neck is long and sexy, like a sexy swan neck. But, not that long, because a swan neck would be too long for a lady.

Your arms are like a sculpture—a sculpture of beautiful arms. Your teeth are very much like ivory. Your breasts are like … uh, like … what was I talking about? I’m sorry, I got distracted thinking about your breasts. Oh yeah, I was saying what your stuff is like.

Your hands are like delicate, wooden puppet hands. Your nose is like a tiny ski jump. Your butt is like a goddamn miracle.

Your knees—I could give or take your knees. There’s nothing wrong with them. I’m just not a knee guy. Never really had a thing for knees. But, going back to your butt for a second, it’s just amazing. Really, congrats.

Your feet are like—

Oh, this is your train stop? You’re getting off? Well, it was nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of your commute. Bye.