Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

The Way to a Man’s Heart

Posted on November 23, 2010

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. The way to his stomach is through his mouth. And, the way to his mouth is through his lips, teeth and gums. Is this getting too complicated? Here, I’ll give you the directions to a man’s heart on step at a time.

Alright, from where you are, you’re going to want to face the man whose heart you want to reach. Approach said man and politely ask him to open his mouth. After he does so, crawl inside.

Keep your hands out in front of you to push the tongue out of the way. Get a good foothold on the teeth. You’re going to need a strong kickoff to make it down past the epiglottis--his gag reflex will be fighting you the whole way.

At the fork, make sure to take the esophagus. Do not take the larynx! If you take the larynx, you’re going to get all turned around in the lungs. The bronchioli are just a series of dead ends. And, all of them look the same. You’ll swear you’re going around in circles.

Slide down the esophagus to the gastroesophageal junction. (The sign might say GE junction. Don’t worry; it’s the same thing.) Pass on through. Congratulations! You’ve just entered the stomach, or as the brochures call it, “The Gateway to the Heart.”

Somewhere around the duodenum is where the trip gets uncomfortable—a lot of pancreatic enzymes and bile and such. If you can, skip all that and enter the bloodstream through an ulcer.

Then, it’s just a matter of finding a vein and following it to the end of the line. All veins eventually lead to the heart. I mean, I guess I could give you the step-by-step of travelling though the venous system, but you’ve made it this far. I have faith you can find the heart from here.

So, that’s it. Follow these simple step-by-step instructions, and you’ll make it to your man’s heart.

It’s only once you’re inside his heart, though, that things get complicated. What with his love of audiovisual gadgets and his feelings for his long-suffering mother making it pretty crowded in there. Good luck with all that.