Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

The Drug Talk

Posted on March 8, 2011

Son, sit down. I think it’s time we had a serious talk about drugs.

Don’t be nervous. I believe you when you tell me you don’t do drugs. Because, I know you wouldn't lie to me. I like to think we’re not just father and son; we’re friends.

So, as your friend, I understand that there’s a lot of peer pressure to get high. I simply ask that if you do decide to experiment, you do so here at home, where I know you’ll be safe. I don’t want you in somebody’s car or out in the woods where god-knows-what might happen. Y’know what? Bring the drugs home, and I’ll show you how to do them myself.

I’m serious. Feel free to bring home any weed or salvia or whatever the kids in your class are doing, and we’ll smoke up together in a safe, comfortable, adult atmosphere. Maybe with some classic vinyl on the stereo.

Because, here’s the thing: Drugs and alcohol are dangerous. You can get in serious trouble or even killed. Unless you know exactly what you’re doing.

Okay, go over to the closet and grab me that shoebox from the top shelf … Thank you. This is a vaporizer. This will deliver all the HTC straight into you like a gunshot. I’m showing you this, because this is the kind of thing you’ll want to stay away from. This is too advanced for you. You’ll probably want to start out with something simple, like this skull bong over here.

Listen, as your father, I’m totally fine with you experimenting and finding yourself, but only up to a point. ‘Shrooms are okay, but I do not want you trying cocaine or LSD. If someone offers you coke or LSD or even ecstasy, I insist that you bring those home immediately and hand them over to me to dispose of properly.

I love you, and I just want what's best for you, Son.

Here’s what I want you to do: I want you to take this eighty dollars and go to the parking lot behind the Ace Hardware. Tell a guy named Dusty that I sent you. Then, ask for a type of marijuana called Acapulco Tittyfuck. Don't write that down; just remember it. If he tries to push off something called Dunkweed, I want you to just say no.

Because, that shit is weak as hell.

Now, hurry up. Kung Fu Hustle is coming on Showtime at midnight, and we’ll need some provisions. I would take you there myself, but this monitoring ankle bracelet doesn’t reach past the mailbox.