Our Tree House Fire
Alright, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but our tree house seems to be on fire.
Guys, calm down! Everything is going to be fine as long as we stay cool. This is why we have an emergency plan. I saw an Imax movie about fighting forest fires, so I nominate myself to be in charge of putting it out. All in favor? Great.
Bobby, you climb down the rope ladder and get the garden hose. Jordan, you help me bat down the flames with these dirty magazines your brother bought us. Tim, you just stay right where you are. It was your firecrackers that got us into all this.
What we want to do is create a perimeter around the flames. Jordan, make sure the fire doesn’t reach our paper airplane collection. That’s good. Good job, Jordan. Tim! Are you drinking an orange soda right now? Damn it, Tim, pour it on the fire! What do you mean you finished it? I can see it’s still half full.
BOBBY! How are we coming on that garden hose? Can I get an ETA? That means “estimated time of arrival.” Tim, go see if you can help Bobby untangle the hose.
I told you guys we should have gotten a fireman’s pole for this tree house. How awesome would it be right now if we had a real fireman’s pole to help fight this fire? Whoa, Jordan, don’t hit the fire with the Playboy. Ryan Carville at school is going to pay me ten bucks for that. Use the Maxim, instead.
Okay, it seems like we’ve got it under control. BOBBY! Never mind about the hose! Just get some wet towels or something. And, tell Tim he’s a butthead.
Good work, Jordan. Way to show hustle fighting that fire. Now, aren’t you glad that we don’t allow any girls in here? I can only imagine how much worse that would have been.
Do Not Push This Button!
In case of emergency, please do not press this button. This is not an emergency button. This button is only to be pushed in an ultra emergency. Like a super duper emergency emergency. That’s why it’s labeled “Ultra Super Emergency Emergency Button.”
In case of an ultra super emergency, please, still do not press this button. First, seek out an authority to determine if this is an actual ultra super emergency emergency. You do not have the training or instincts to differentiate between the two.
Don’t believe me? Let me ask you this: When was the last time you got an emergency haircut? Ah ha! See? Gotcha! There is no such thing. Clearly, if you think a haircut can be an emergency, you can’t be trusted to judge an ultra super emergency emergency. Leave that up to the professionals.
So, essentially, never press this button—this tempting, red, waiting-for-it button. Even though it’s obviously meant to be pressed at some point. Even though this ultra super emergency emergency button is just begging to be pressed by someone. Someone like you. Do not press this button.
Do you hear me? You are not to press this button. Period.
Unless, of course, it’s a mega big-time like crazy scary emergency emergency. Then, it’s imperative that you press this button. If that's the case, then you’re our only hope.