Private Island
When I bought my first island, I thought, This is gonna be great. Pristine beaches, solitude, all the tropical fruit I can eat. And, those things are true. But, it’s not all mangos and rainbows owning your own island.
First off, people are constantly getting shipwrecked. It’s not like how they portray it in movies and TV. There are waaayyy more stranded shipwreck survivors than Hollywood wants you to believe. Every month or so, some bedraggled couple washes ashore. Hasn’t anyone heard of GPS?
I used to leave them alone for the first week and let them have the authentic shipwreck experience—building a lean-to, creating fire, stalking a wild boar. But, I was running out of boars. So, now I just send my personal chef down with some cous cous and an inflatable raft.
Secondly, other eccentric billionaires constantly drop in to visit my island. I know why they’re swinging by on their mega-yachts; It’s because they want to see what little improvements I’ve made to my island. This is not a competition, guys. Just because I built an underwater viewing station doesn’t mean you have to build one too. I’m looking at you, Shah Omar.
Finally, international spies--such a nuisance. You spend months planning and fabricating a hollow volcano to house your weather-controlling laser. Then, at the last minute, some jerk in a tuxedo parachutes in and thinks he owns the place. Sexy female assassins don’t grow on trees. You can’t just go around seducing and killing them, Agent Whatever-Your-Name-Is.
That’s why I’ve started buying up decoy islands. I have a couple spread out around the globe. Sure, the upkeep expenses add up—not just the utility bills, but also the maintenance staff and the body doubles of myself. It’s an investment, though.
Listen, I gotta bounce. I’m finishing a project to bore into the Earth’s mantle and install earthquake machines under major cities. I’ve got a ton of little details to shore up before the end of the day. If you guys want a Mai Tai or anything, just ring the bell for Rolf. He’s the one with the glass eye and face scar. He makes a super nummy Mai Tai.
