Wait For It… a blog by Andy Ross

Phone Message

Posted on June 6, 2011

Phone Message

Hey, I’m stepping out to grab some lunch. If my phone rings, can you answer it for me? You can just take a message or whatever.

Wait, you know what? If it’s a call from a guy named Todd, could pretend to be my secretary and then take a message? And, maybe you could make your voice sound kinda sexy? Like British sexy?

Who’s the lady who used to be married to Hugh Grant? Oh shoot, what’s her name? She was in the remake of Bedazzled, and technically she’s an actress, even though that’s the only thing I can think of her having been in. What else was she in? She used to be in a lot of perfume commercials, I think. She’s more of a celebrity than a thespian, I guess.

Anyway, if you answer my phone, can you maybe do an impression of her, as if she’s my secretary?

Also, maybe hint that you have an unrequited crush on me? Nothing big or salacious---just like a general longing. I don’t want to give you any exact lines, but maybe mention something about my eyes being the crisp blue of the Colorado sky.

Ugh, what is that woman’s name? Maybe she wasn’t married to Hugh Grant; maybe she was just his girlfriend. But, it was for sure during that whole thingy with him and the prostitute. (At the time, didn't you think the media attention around that was kinda racist? I always thought so. They'd always mention the prostitute was African American. Off-handedly, of course, like they didn’t really care. But, why even bring it up then?) And, whomever this actress is I’m trying to think of stuck by Hugh Grant all through that.

So, yeah, just do a quick impression of her, and say that I’m in a meeting, and I’ll get back to whoever calls. And, maybe have a slight wistfulness to your voice. Like, maybe you wish I’d get back to you about a romantic question you once posed to me.

Oh! Also, she was in one of the Austin Powers movies. Yeah, she was for sure in one of those. It’s weird, because I think she's a genuinely good actress, but I guess that’s not where her attention is focused. She’s more one of those actresses who has babies by hedge fund guys or Mediterranean shipping magnates.

Why does that always happen? It’s so odd that that's a common occurrence. Do they meet at fancy parties or something? Salma Hayek did that with some billionaire, too, I think.

Can you do a Salma Hayek impression on the phone? Because, that would be amazing.

No, never mind. That'd be too much.

Also, don’t pick up on the first ring. It looks too needy. If you wait until the third ring, the caller will think my office must be super busy. Shuffle papers while you’re at it, if you could.

Elizabeth Hurley! Boom! It’s Elizabeth Hurley. That’s her name. I was a little confused, because in the back of my head I was thinking Catherine Zeta Jones, but she’s Welsh not British. And, I don’t really like her accent as much. But, it’s for sure Elizabeth Hurley whom I was thinking of.

You know what, I’m just going to take my phone with me to lunch. You don’t need to answer it. I’ll use it to look up Elizabeth Hurley on Wikipedia. See what else she acted in… Oh yeah, look at that. She was in Permanent Midnight. I remember that movie.

Do you want anything from Subway, by the way? A cookie or anything? No? Are you sure? Because I’m happy to bring you a cookie. No? No cookie? A bag of Sun Chips or something? No? No Sun Chips? It’s fine. I’m gonna bring you back a cookie.

I'll be back in two shakes. See ya.


I’ve Stepped in It

Posted on May 11, 2010

Hey, can you do me a favor and look at the bottom of my shoe? Can you see if this is jelly I've stepped in? Just check and tell me if this is jelly or something else. I really hope it's jelly.

No no no, I know it's gross, but I appreciate the help, and it's probably jelly. Just take a quick peek. Maybe smell it and see if it smells sweet? I'd take off my shoe and do it myself, but whatever it is, it's gotten all over my laces, and I don't want to touch them. Just in case.

Please? I only worry because I was walking down near Union Square, where the gutter punks and meth heads hang out. So, it could be anything--jelly, jam, melted lollipop, ground beef, pigeon brains. That said, I'm sure it's probably jelly. Here, take a look. Get your nose right in there.

Oohhh, shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kick you in the face. I am so sorry. That was a total accident. Wow, that was clumsy.

And, now you’ve got jelly on your forehead. I hope it's jelly.