Tiffany’s Birthday
I was lucky enough to see my old friend, Steve Delahoyde, this weekend. And, it made me realize I never posted this video we had done together. Steve directed and I wrote, and Paul Thomas stole the show with his pitch-perfect reaction shots.
So, yeah, I hope you enjoy it.
Wedding Gift Ideas
In honor of the royal wedding, I've decided to list off my favorite wedding gifts to give/receive.
Because, let’s face it, wedding registries are weird and transactional. That’s why you’re allowed up to a year from the day of the wedding to think of something awesome. At that point, of course, you can give up trying and just buy the one pickle fork and one corn-on-the-cob holder left on the registry.
But, that all changes right here and right now, goddamnit! Because, you’ve got me on your side. And, besides being the World’s Greatest Wedding Dancer, I’m also in the top ten wedding gifters. Fine, top twenty.
My favorite wedding gifts are:
An ice cream maker, which provides a helpful scapegoat to explain the post-wedding weight gain.
A large silver salad bowl. Have you ever eaten two pints of homemade ice cream out of a silver bowl? It makes you feel powerful.
Monogramed Slap Chop. Obviously.
An ornate picture frame to make any picture look beautiful, even the one of that doggy-looking flower girl. Jesus Christ, I hope she grows into those ears.
Some bullshit shaped like a heart. Honestly, this can be whatever.
A croquet set, unless the bride and groom are the kind of jerks who don’t like croquet, which are the worst kind of jerks.
A pet parrot! It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Responsibility. For eighty years.
Silver candlesticks. They’re not just for murder. You can use them to hold candles as well.
A KitchenAid mixer says to the couple, "Here's hoping that one day you'll have a kitchen big enough to store all this useless shit.”
A crystal vase. With proper pronunciation, please. We’re not animals.
A marble cheese tray. I take cheese far too seriously to serve it on some granite bullshit. Or wood, ugh.
Rosewood salad tongs. Salad-based gifts are like the life preserver you throw the couple during their post-wedding ice cream and cheese binges.
Ziplock baggies. C’mon, admit it---pretty useful.
Superglue. To repair that glass the groom accidentally stepped on at the end of the ceremony. I hope he wasn’t too embarrassed.
A gift certificate to a crib store. Thanks, Mom, we get it. WE GET IT ALREADY!
Matching aprons. Adorable! No wait, too adorable. Gross. Nevermind.
Something the groom might like. I'm just kidding.
Amazon Wish List
Dear friends,
I would like to apologize for an email you may have received from me earlier today. It seems I accidentally sent my entire address book a link to my Amazon wish list. This was simply a computer error and has nothing to do with my upcoming birthday.
I would be mortified if you all thought I was pointing out perfect gifts for my birthday, which is coming up right around the corner. Gifts like the Where the Wild Things Are on Blue-Ray or a used copy of Steve Martin’s 1979 book, Cruel Shoes. I was definitely not doing that.
I don't know how this happened. I guess Amazon must have a new "export to all contacts" function. Somehow, I mistakenly pasted in a list of email addresses and then clicked “send” and later clicked “I’m sure.” You can see how it was a simple mix-up.
Again, I’m very sorry to have bothered you with that earlier email, which might have gone into your spam folder, in case you want to check your spam folder to make sure you got it.
If you did receive the email or have now salvaged it from your spam, please delete it. There’s no need for you to click through the easy-to-follow hyperlink to see my Amazon wish list.
It’s mostly just things I would never buy for myself, because that wouldn’t compare to the excitement of receiving them as gifts. Things like the Complete First Season of Modern Family or a USB-enabled LAN adapter for my Wii.
Birthdays aren’t about gifts. They’re about celebrating together.
Like the celebration I had last year for my 30th birthday that many of you couldn’t come to because you had other plans. Which I’m sure you now regret and wish you could make up to me. Perhaps by chipping in with a few other email recipients to buy me a Wacom PTK640 Black Intuos4 Medium Pen Tablet with Pen & Mouse (Factory Refurbished).
So, again, I apologize for the mistake. Especially coming now, just barely within the special promotional window of free shipping for orders over $50. It was never my intention to pressure you into making me feel happy and loved.
Sorry again,
Andy