If I have one birthday wish today, it is that I get a thousand birthday wishes. I learned my mistake last time. Alright, so now I have a thousand birthday wishes. Let’s dig in.
First, I wish for world peace … BUT, only if these wishes on non-monkey paw wishes. If these wishes are monkey paw-based, I do not wish for anything. Every time you wish off a monkey paw, shit goes way wrong. If I monkey paw wished for world peace, everyone would just die or something, and I’d be left with broken glasses at the library. I know your tricks, monkey paw!
Second, (and from here on out, I’m assuming there are no monkey paws involved) I’d wish from a bigger apartment to hold all the the stuff I’m about to wish for. I haven’t made up my mind as to whether or not I’m gonna wish for a pet tiger, but if I do, I’ll need more space.
My third wish is that I have a tamed pet tiger wearing a special saddle. (I made up my mind about the tiger thing, by the way.) He’d have to be big enough to hold my weight, because I’ve thought about it, and I don’t think I should wish to be thinner. It’s important to have goals, even when you have wishes available. And, one of my goals is to trim up so that I look better riding around on my pet tiger.
My four wish is that my tiger won’t ever bite or maul me. I know we’re not dealing with monkey paw wishes at this point, so the tiger wouldn’t necessarily turn out evil. But, at the same time, I think even a non-evil tiger probably does its fair share of mauling. That’s pretty much the whole reason I want a pet tiger—to ride it around mauling people.
My fifth wish is that we bump the number of wishes down to a hundred or so. Because I’m already running out of ideas, and a thousand wishes just seems like a burden at this point.
My sixth wish is for a refreshing glass of ice tea. There’s ice tea in the fridge if that makes it easier. Could that one count as half a wish, since I already told you where the ice tea is? It’s not like you have to magically make it appear out of nowhere. How ‘bout this? How ‘bout we split the difference and say that it’s two-thirds of a wish?
My seventh through fourteenth wishes are for the following movies on Blue-ray:
Where the Wild Things Are, Stop Making Sense, Ghostbusters, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Mad Men: Seasons One and Two, and Coraline.
My fifteenth wish is for a ten minute break to think up some more wishes.
Before that, though, my sixteenth wish is for a plush tiger bed for my incoming pet tiger. Like, the very finest, plushest tiger bed there is. I just want the place to be set up nice before he gets here, because I really want him to like me. Maybe check and see if Hammacher Schlemmer has good tiger beds. Oh man, I hope he or she likes me.
Gosh, this sure is good ice tea.
I would like to apologize for an email you may have received from me earlier today. It seems I accidentally sent my entire address book a link to my Amazon wish list. This was simply a computer error and has nothing to do with my upcoming birthday.
I would be mortified if you all thought I was pointing out perfect gifts for my birthday, which is coming up right around the corner. Gifts like the Where the Wild Things Are on Blue-Ray or a used copy of Steve Martin’s 1979 book, Cruel Shoes. I was definitely not doing that.
I don't know how this happened. I guess Amazon must have a new "export to all contacts" function. Somehow, I mistakenly pasted in a list of email addresses and then clicked “send” and later clicked “I’m sure.” You can see how it was a simple mix-up.
Again, I’m very sorry to have bothered you with that earlier email, which might have gone into your spam folder, in case you want to check your spam folder to make sure you got it.
If you did receive the email or have now salvaged it from your spam, please delete it. There’s no need for you to click through the easy-to-follow hyperlink to see my Amazon wish list.
It’s mostly just things I would never buy for myself, because that wouldn’t compare to the excitement of receiving them as gifts. Things like the Complete First Season of Modern Family or a USB-enabled LAN adapter for my Wii.
Birthdays aren’t about gifts. They’re about celebrating together.
Like the celebration I had last year for my 30th birthday that many of you couldn’t come to because you had other plans. Which I’m sure you now regret and wish you could make up to me. Perhaps by chipping in with a few other email recipients to buy me a Wacom PTK640 Black Intuos4 Medium Pen Tablet with Pen & Mouse (Factory Refurbished).
So, again, I apologize for the mistake. Especially coming now, just barely within the special promotional window of free shipping for orders over $50. It was never my intention to pressure you into making me feel happy and loved.